Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten
minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
----
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met
yet!
----
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
----
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
----
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown
up, it just feels like a small vacation!
----
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."
----
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when
I finally snap!
OR .... I like more this version ....
“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off!
----
I don't have grey hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
----
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
----
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper.
----
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
----
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes".
----
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that
second week.
----
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
----
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
----
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?
----
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
----
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
----
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I
came in there for.
minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller!
----
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met
yet!
----
I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!
----
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off!
----
When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment ... now, as a grown
up, it just feels like a small vacation!
----
The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."
----
Lord grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can & the friends to post my bail when
I finally snap!
OR .... I like more this version ....
“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off!
----
I don't have grey hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.
----
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.
----
Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper.
----
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
----
The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no"
which is shorter than "yes".
----
I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do that
second week.
----
When did it change from "We the people" to "screw the people"?
----
Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!
----
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?
----
Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
----
Oops! Did I roll my eyes out loud?
----
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I
came in there for.
