fookin trees

[CrazyFool]

Hey guys,
after putting my reliance in the weather i went out today to varnish the fences and fertilise the lawn. and i think i'm gonna sort my garden out starting with that fookin tree that keeps on dropping sticky fookin shit onto the car and its chewing away at the paint job.
last year, the council said they won't, nor am i allowed to chop the tree down, so i need a way to take the tree down all stealthily and ninja like!

i remember studying about trees in college where if you cut around the perimeter of the tree, it'll stop electrolyte flow to the leaves and will effectively kill the tree.
i also read recently about hammering some special nails into it that will also kill it.
please could somebody provide me with some more details and some safety guidelines,
i dont want the tree to fall over my house/car and crush it,
i also dont want to raise any eyebrows as the the same tree is planted on my road every 5 meters.
is there anyway that i can just get the leaves to not grow?

i realise that there are no jtag points on the tree so that already eliminates allot of the expertise of many of the members on this forum but there has to be a tree doctor or someone similar about?

also, my grass is fookin shite.
its not green enough, again my days studying biology taught me that nitrate fertilisers causes grass and plants to become greener and more colourful.
how do i source a shed load of pure nitrates or nitrogen based compounds like ammonia?
i checked the fertiliser bag and its only got a little bit of nitrate in it, the rest is filler and a bit of phosphate/potassium which makes the grass grow faster! i cant be doing with cutting my lawn more often now.

so to summarise i need to kill a tree and need a truck full of nitrates.
Thank heavens my identity is protected.
Kind regards,
CrazyFool

 

[Magnu420]

you could hammer copper nails into the tree but it will take time to die

also ive heard salt will do it but it might kill the ground around where the trees was,or you could girdle it Remove the bark, outer and inner, all the way around, and for a foot or so from bottom cut to top cut. I'm not sure if it works on all
types of trees,but this method could take a couple of years


btw i have the same prob but not tried any of this,im temptin to get a hi-viz coat,and a chainsaw
and start attackin it

 

[witchy]

Good luck trying to find a place that'll sell you Nitrate Fertiliser, isn't that the stuff they use in DIY bombs?

Perhaps you could bomb the tree at the same time.

 

[CrazyFool]

Good luck trying to find a place that'll sell you Nitrate Fertiliser, isn't that the stuff they use in DIY bombs?

Perhaps you could bomb the tree at the same time.

hence the reason i thanked the heavans that the authorities dont know who i am.

magnu i would definatelty recommend you keep the chainsaw on a leash.
the trees around my end are listed and it will land me some serious bum rapage if i was to start revving the chainsaw in the light of day.

i definately know the girdle method will work but it will require some time to cut a trench in the bark of the tree even a few inches deep, and one of the neighbours who lives 2 doors down is a nosey fookin bastard.

banging some nails into the tree would be a more discreet method. i could just pay someone to come over in the dead of night and nail a couple of copper bits into the tree over several nights.

plenty of dodgy characters on this forum, maybe some of you could drive past my home a couple of times.

 

[Magnu420]

just notice where you from same county as me

 

[CrazyFool]

thats right.
the red rose fookin county.
incidently, are there any yo(a)rkshire boys on here? not seen any about who are bold enough to display it.

anyway, Im officially taking back the request of some of you's driving past my home in the middle of the night.
i'm already having trouble sleeping.

 

[zad]

Hmm just so happens I might have some nitrate stuff at work... I will check today..
Someone did mention we wern't allowed to sell it now because of the nitrate...

 

[Penners]

thats right.
the red rose fookin county.
incidently, are there any yo(a)rkshire boys on here? not seen any about who are bold enough to display it.

anyway, Im officially taking back the request of some of you's driving past my home in the middle of the night.
i'm already having trouble sleeping.

Yorkshire and proud mate !!!

How about a decent chain plus a 4*4 then accidently on purpose pull the bugger out

 

[harry127]

How about saying to the Council that you will invoice them for the cleaning or damage done to your car.

 

[MFCGMFC]

Stihl260 will help you with the tree

regards to your grass, nitrogen is the chemical that gives your grass colour

you can get fertillizers with a high content of nitrogen, that's a bag here of mini prill

the N P K ( nitrogen phosphate and potassium ) 22.7.12

It's called turf royale now that is a strong one, if you just want pure nitrogen then your looking at silage which is roughly 60.0.0 but you would need to know a farmer who could suppy you with that

see if you can get a bag
of that turf royale

You won't get it from b&q more likely a specialist supplier like Scotts

al try and find the link when I get onto my pc

Cheers
MFCGAVMFC

 

[MOAMB]

Just get someone brave enough to drive a car into the tree :Clap:

 

[stihl260]

Hi Mate
I would like to think i may give the best Professional answer,lol.

Firstly am i Right in thinking that we are talkng about a Lime Tree that is set in the pavement or Service strip on the district council land?

As opposed to being on your land?

If its The Councils tree, then they have a "Duty of Care!" to maintain the tree in a Safe condition, which does not cause nuisanse.

Speek to your local council and explain that the during the summer months, that the tree exudes a sticky secreetion on to your drive/footpath which may be deemed a "health & Safety" issue!

Explain that the smell and Sweet taste of the Secreetion attracts Wasps and is effectively limiting the time you spend outside, because of the risk of being stung .

You could also try saying that the Spread of the trees canopy is reducing the amount of Natural light into your property.

Someone like me will be sent out to do a survey on the tree and report back to the Council with findings and a Reccomendation (course of action/ Remedy).

If you can prove Light Deprovation, then he likely outcome with be a reduction in the trees canopy size and thinning out.

As with the Wasp theory, the same outcome, but if the wasps were really bad then the Tree could be cut down completely (unlikely, but possible), or the most likely outcome would be to Pollard the tree back to the knuckles.

All of the above works would be at no cost to you , as its the councils Tree.

Do You live in a conservation area?

Has the Tree got a TPO (Tree Preservation Order) on it, Unlikely on a lime tree as they are ten to the penny and not endangered.

Most Local authority trees are tagged with an identification number on a small round metal disk attached to the tree.

Use this number in all dealings with the council as they can pull up the location of the tree , by means of on-line-mapping.

You may find that the Council tree officer may get involved .

I would try the Legal route first , before you resort to Tree killing,Lol

 

[techquest]

Maybe you should apply for one of these and then claim it was part of the course as the instructor insisted he had evidence of your capabilities!

h**p://www.hotcourses.com/uk-courses/Tree-Surgery-training-courses/hc2_browse.pg_loc_tree/16180339/0/p_type_id/4/p_bcat_id/3144/page.htm

 

[miffew]

Good luck trying to find a place that'll sell you Nitrate Fertiliser, isn't that the stuff they use in DIY bombs?

Perhaps you could bomb the tree at the same time.

go and see a local farmer as they are allowed to buy a allocated amount every year ? you woulnt need much

 

[oneman]

You realise with all this talk of nitrate bombs that the FBI will be raiding the site soon enough, LoL

 

[stihl260]

Just get someone brave enough to drive a car into the tree :Clap:

You mean like this!

http://www.failfunnies.com/34/images/speeding-tree-fail.jpg

 

[stihl260]

Just Hire this Muppet,lol

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqY7b4JpJMw]YouTube - Tree Removal Fail[/ame]

 

[CrazyFool]

using a chain saw or any other destructive device is a definate no go as i would need to get on a ladder first to chop the branches off as the tree is as big as my house!

@stihl620
thanks for the advice, i'll get in touch with the council although i wouldnt expect much from them.
yes the tree is property of the council, although i dont know if it is a lime tree.

I'll ask my brother to get in touch with one of his farmer buddies to try and source some nitrate fertiliser. is it expensive?

Thanks again for all the comments.
surprised i haven't ran into any greenpeace activists yet lol.

 

[liambalfour]

anyone got a template of a letter to send or email. i also have a huge tree blocking sunlight from 2pm for the rest of the day, looking for the easy option to save me writing it myself