your fav all time joke.........

[Thommo]

right enough doom and gloom, time for some fun.

this could have been posted in fun room i suppose but its not one joke its hopefully a good post with everyone posting there best one joke, not millions of jokes please but the one that always makes you laugh or is the one you'll never forget.

mines an oldy but every time i see it or read it i lol.


---------

A guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come dressed as emotions e.g. fear etc.

On the night of the party the first guest arrives and the host opens the door to see a man covered in green paint with the letters n and v on his chest standing in front of him.

He says to the man "wow! great outfit,what emotion have you come as?"
The man replies "I'm green with NV."
Brilliant,come in and have a drink" says the host..

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the door to find a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts.

"Fantastic" says the host "what emotion have you come as?"
"I'm tickled pink" replies the woman.

"Come on in and join the party" says the host.

Two minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time,the host opens the door to find two Irish blokes standing stark naked on the doorstep.One had his knob in a bowl of custard and the other had his knob stuck in a pear.

The host is shocked and says"what the hell are you two doing? do you know you could get arrested for going about like that! Anyhow,what emotion is this supposed to be."

paddy replies "well oim foikin discustard,and Mick here has just come in dispear."




now lets hear your one best joke...........



.

 

[chrispeters]

2 sausages in a frying pan...
one of them shouts up.." MY GOD ITS HOT IN HERE "
the other says ..
"bloody hell look , its a talkin sausage"

 

[witchy]

@ Chrispeters, that cannot be your favourite joke.

 

[janobi]

Man walks into a bar with a giraffe.

Man says to barman "Pint for me, pint for my giraffe."

They down those.

Man says again to barman "Pint for me, pint for my giraffe."

They down those.

Man says again to barman "Pint fo rme, pint for my giraffe."

They down those.

This goes on for about 10 pints. Eventually the man starts to stumble towards to the door to leave.

The barman shouts "Oi you, you can't leave that lying there."

Man replies "Its not a lion, its a giraffe!!"



My other fav is about a punk, nun and bus driver, but it contains swearing and sex, so cannot post it here. lol

But the punchline is "Ha Ha fooled you, Im the punk from the bus!" And God says "Ha ha fooled you, cos im the bus driver."

 

[NoodlesJoe]

if the rumours are correct women have a certain *spot* and if you hit this *spot* at
the exactly at the right pace and angle, it will turn her to jelly and you will be able to do anything you like to her.







its called her fecking chin roud:


sorry ladys.

 

[RAB - P]

has to be the one a Wee Boy told Andy Cameron on a live outside broadcast for his radio show

Wee Boy ; "What vegetable makes your eyes water ?"

Andy; "Oh thats a difficult one (long pause)...eh is it an onion ?"

Wee Boy " Naw Andy a turnip"

Andy " A turnip..how does that make your eyes water ?"

Wee Boy " Well Andy,have you ever been hit in the bawz wi a turnip ?"

 

[ruud36]

What's the difference between a Buffalo and a Bison?
You can wash your hands in a Bison!!!!! (black country joke)

 

[Napster]

2 sausages in a frying pan...
one of them shouts up.." MY GOD ITS HOT IN HERE "
the other says ..
"bloody hell look , its a talkin sausage"

taxi for chrispeters

 

[Kruger]

dyslexic guy walks into a bra.....

 

[IANB]

The dyslexic agnostic insomniac

Sat up all night wondering if there really was a Dog!

 

[Bronto]

2 Goldfish in a Tank, 1 says to the other .....

Do you know how to drive this fecking thing ?

:banana:

Grooooooan

 

[J]

7 dwarfs down a mine when it colapses
snowhite in a panic screams down are u all ok.
after a few mins she hears a faint voice
saying celtic are going to win the league.
she says well at least dopeys still alive.roud:

 

[Messa]

A duck goes into a shop and says 'can i have some bread?'

Bloke says 'we dont sell bread sorry'

'Can I have some bread ?'

'Sorry, we dont do bread'

'Can I have some bread'

'No bread sorry'

'Can I have some bread?'

'No'

'can I have some bread?'

'Look, if you ask for bread one more time I am going to nail your beak to the counter !'

'Can I have some nails?'

'No nails sorry'

'Can I have some bread ?'

 

[jaffa]

A woman is frustrated with her love life because her husband has a massive crush on Brigitte Bardot and ignores her completely. To win back his attentions, she goes to a tattooist to have the letters 'BB' tattooed on her arse. When her husband gets home from work that night, she greets him by turning around, bending over, and lifting her dress to expose the artwork. "What do you think?" the wife says. "Who the fek is BOB?" the husband replies.

 

[ashbash]

Woman comes home and tells her husband,

"Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these
years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,

"What happened?"

His wife replies,

"Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at
myself and repeat

'I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'

It worked!

The headaches are all gone."

Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says,

"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can
do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home,
rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries
her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll
be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few
minutes later and jumps into bed
and makes passionate love to his wife like never
before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right
back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round
two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right
back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there,
in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the
mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Saturday

 

[Thommo]

2 sausages in a frying pan...
one of them shouts up.." MY GOD ITS HOT IN HERE "
the other says ..
"bloody hell look , its a talkin sausage"

sometimes its just the taking part that counts lol.

 

[stefblak]

has to be the one a Wee Boy told Andy Cameron on a live outside broadcast for his radio show

Wee Boy ; "What vegetable makes your eyes water ?"

Andy; "Oh thats a difficult one (long pause)...eh is it an onion ?"

Wee Boy " Naw Andy a turnip"

Andy " A turnip..how does that make your eyes water ?"

Wee Boy " Well Andy,have you ever been hit in the bawz wi a turnip ?"

i heard a beauty from his show, the wee boy came on and said '2 flys racing down yer nose andy. what one wins?' after a snigger and i dont know fro mr cameron, 'the wan on the bogey!' i think the boy was about three years old. pure brilliant!

 

[janobi]

2 flies on a fanny.

Which one is on drugs?

The one on the crack

Im here all week lol

 

[dabberwatcher]

Paddy goes for job at local blacksmiths forge

Blacksmith asks: "hav you ever shoed a horse?

Paddy: No, but i once told a donkey to f*** off.

 

[charlie senator]

Two Aerials got married
The ceremony was crap
But the reception was great