The New Understandable Tax System (NUTS)
By now you will all be familiar with the new Goods and Services Tax and have a complete understanding of how it works. You don’t? Well, never mind, let me explain it…………
We are going to use the first three months as practice, and as of the 1st October, we have a new and simplified system for you. It is the New Understandable Tax System (NUTS) – and although it may appear complicated, it really is very easy to understand. Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity. The Business Utilisation Number (BUN), will be used during all dealings with governments at all levels. Every business will get a BUN, with NUTS.
Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table and Report Directive (BASTARD), every month. Businesses should set aside at least three full working days to fill the BASTARD out.
Under the new system, every adult taxpayer is classified as a Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running (SUCKER), unless they are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefit, in which case they are classified as a Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Grantee (RATBAG).
All SUCKERS and RATBAGS will be required to complete a Direct Application for Taxation form (DAFT). The completed DAFT form will then be assessed by a Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator (MORON), who determines the amount of Credited Refund Allowance Payment (CRAP), the taxpayer will receive.
Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal and classify it as Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of Individual Donation (STUPID), or Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation Instalment Credit (IDIOTIC).
If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to a BUN, with NUTS. You will need to apply for a new allowance provided jointly by the Council and Government, - The Joint Organisation Benefit (JOB), in the form of a Suddenly Temporarily Unemployed Financial Ticket (STUFT).
Any RATBAG who doesn’t have a JOB can get STUFT.
From October 1st when we all go NUTS, small businesses will need to submit a General Allocation Rebate for Business and Goods Estimates (GARBAGE) report to the Department of Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP). Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the end of each month.
All small businesses must be registered as a Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST), by Sept 30th and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular fulltime basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (SACK), on or before the 1st October. Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST.
In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the government will establish a Department of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS). It is anticipated that by the end of the next financial year, all businesses will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS.
By now you will all be familiar with the new Goods and Services Tax and have a complete understanding of how it works. You don’t? Well, never mind, let me explain it…………
We are going to use the first three months as practice, and as of the 1st October, we have a new and simplified system for you. It is the New Understandable Tax System (NUTS) – and although it may appear complicated, it really is very easy to understand. Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity. The Business Utilisation Number (BUN), will be used during all dealings with governments at all levels. Every business will get a BUN, with NUTS.
Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table and Report Directive (BASTARD), every month. Businesses should set aside at least three full working days to fill the BASTARD out.
Under the new system, every adult taxpayer is classified as a Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running (SUCKER), unless they are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefit, in which case they are classified as a Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Grantee (RATBAG).
All SUCKERS and RATBAGS will be required to complete a Direct Application for Taxation form (DAFT). The completed DAFT form will then be assessed by a Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator (MORON), who determines the amount of Credited Refund Allowance Payment (CRAP), the taxpayer will receive.
Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal and classify it as Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of Individual Donation (STUPID), or Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation Instalment Credit (IDIOTIC).
If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to a BUN, with NUTS. You will need to apply for a new allowance provided jointly by the Council and Government, - The Joint Organisation Benefit (JOB), in the form of a Suddenly Temporarily Unemployed Financial Ticket (STUFT).
Any RATBAG who doesn’t have a JOB can get STUFT.
From October 1st when we all go NUTS, small businesses will need to submit a General Allocation Rebate for Business and Goods Estimates (GARBAGE) report to the Department of Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP). Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the end of each month.
All small businesses must be registered as a Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST), by Sept 30th and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular fulltime basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (SACK), on or before the 1st October. Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST.
In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the government will establish a Department of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS). It is anticipated that by the end of the next financial year, all businesses will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS.
