lol Found this!

[tigg3r]

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal.
All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!" The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room.
Over in the corner by the window, almost hidden by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"

 

[ultemecia]

nice 1 dude

 

[KhuramG]

lol nice one..

 

[tigg3r]

Four guys are drinking in a bar, bragging about their sons.
"My son," the first one says, "started out washing cars at dealership, but now owns the dealership and just gave one of his friends four new cars of his choice!"
"My son," said the second, "started out serving lunch in a real estate office, but now owns the real estate office and just gave one of his friends a new mansion!"
"My son," said the third, "started out sweeping the floors at the Stock Exchange, but now practically owns the Stock Exchange and just gave one of his friends a £1,000,000 in stock."
"Well," the fourth guy said, "my son's turned out to be a bit of a disappointment. He's a gay hairdresser and he has SEVERAL boyfriends. On the plus side, between them, they gave him four cars, a mansion, and a million pound in stock for his birthday."

:Smileysex

 

[wasnotwasD]

Good one's tigg3r lol

 

[leggoman]

very good funny

 

[rgb]

I Like it.

 

[tigg3r]

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life:

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

:Smileysex

 

[tigg3r]

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."
The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."
The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the azshole spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the azshole being the Boss. So the azshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the azshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shiet!
Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any azshole will do.

 

[stobbart]

lol very good all of them

 

[tigg3r]

This is one of my own!

Here I stand by the bathroom door,
My Dad's in there, on the floor.
It'd be nice, it'd be neat,
If he could stand on his feet.
But there he'll stay coz he's drunk
Coz he's a no-good ****ing punk.

My Mum, she's always down the pub
Nobody's home to cook my grub.
It'd be nice, It'd be great
If she came home before it got late.
But that won't happen in this life
Coz she can't handle all the strife.

My Gran, She's strung out on drugs
I hate having to suffer her hugs.
It'd be nice, It'd be brill
If she could be straightened with a pill
But she won't stop until she's dead
She can't handle things in her head.

Now I'm gone, I'm out the door
I ain't going back there no more.
It'd be nice, It'd be fine
If I could sever my cursed bloodline.
But now it causes no more stress
Coz now I couldn't care ****ing less.

©1995

 

[theseeker]

lol , like em all.
so now we know who found bob monkhouses joke book

 

[tigg3r]

Wish I had, I'd have a much better pc for a start!!!!!! lol

:Bounce:

 

[TheDogsNutts]

Lmfao.......................

 

[tigg3r]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The lad's first day was long and arduous for him, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

:Bounce:

 

[Paul-K]

Lmfao.......... :Jester: