"IF SANTA ANSWERED HONESTLY...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career
in lawn care. How about I send you a f***ing book so you
can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother
the space ranger. At least he can spell. Santa
*****
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they? Santa
*****
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a hurricane. Let me get you some nice Legos
instead. Santa
*****
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer
fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me
a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
*****
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo
in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget
porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
*****
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please
please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your
folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting
a sweater again. Santa
*****
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do
you get into our house? Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky" that's why you're
getting your ass kicked at school. Second you don't live in
a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I
get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through
your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Santa: I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas.
Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy
Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career
in lawn care. How about I send you a f***ing book so you
can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother
the space ranger. At least he can spell. Santa
*****
Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only
thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they? Santa
*****
Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas,
I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please
see what you can do. Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a
screen door in a hurricane. Let me get you some nice Legos
instead. Santa
*****
Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree,
and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer
fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me
a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa
*****
Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year?
Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo
in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget
porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly while losing
money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
*****
Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please
please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy
Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your
folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting
a sweater again. Santa
*****
Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do
you get into our house? Love, Marky
Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky" that's why you're
getting your ass kicked at school. Second you don't live in
a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I
get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through
your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa
