few quickies

allanj

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A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about being related, but it would make us even."
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Dopey knocks on the door of a convent with the other six dwarfs. When the Mother Superior answers, Dopey says, "Excuse me Mother Superior, do any dwarf nuns live here?" she replies, "I'm afraid not." A little chuckle comes from the other six. Dopey says, "Are there any dwarf nuns in this diocese?" Again she answers "No" followed by another chuckle. "Are there any dwarf nuns in the Vatican?" Mother superior, getting more annoyed replies, "NO!", followed by a loud laugh from behind. Dopey says, "Are there any dwarf nuns ANYWHERE in the world?" "NO!", shouts mother superior. The other dwarfs, in unison begin singing "Dopey sh*gged a penguin! Dopey sh*gged a penguin!"
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An 85 year old guy goes to his doctor for a check-up, and is surprised to be asked to provide a specimen of semen as part of a prostate check, but he takes the jar and goes home anyway.

Next week he's back with the jar, still as empty and clean as the day he was given it.

"You see doc, I took the jar home and did like you asked, first I tried with my right hand, then my left. Then both hands. Nothing. So my wife tried the same approach, but no joy. Next we got our neighbour Mrs Jones in, and she tried as well, but she couldn't help either."

"You mean, you really asked a neighbour?"

"Yes, but none of us could open the damn jar."
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A skinny chap was sun bathing on Malibu Beach, watching the hotties but getting no attention himself. He watched with envy as a muscle-bound bloke walked past, drawing the attention of every girl on the beach.

In the end, our skinny friend walked up to the hunk and asked if he has any tips for attracting female attention.

The hunk says "Don't tell anyone I told you this, but a potato down the trunks works wonders".

Skinny boy goes to the shop, gets a spud and puts it down his shorts. He then struts off down the beach. This time he's attracting plenty of attention, but the girls all seem completely repulsed.

He goes to find the hunk and asks him what went wrong.

The hunk tells him "You're supposed to put the potato down the FRONT of your trunks"
 
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