Corny 1 Liner Thread
- Thread starter dar1437
- Start date
AS I GET OLDER ...
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
When I was a child, I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually, I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
When I was a child, I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
Actually, I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he’s driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.
"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.
So, the puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?"
The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!
She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.
When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.
"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.
So, the puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?"
The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!
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A MAN ABSOLUTELY HATED HIS WIFE’S CAT AND DECIDED TO GET RID OF HIM.
One day he decided to drive him 20 blocks from his home and leave him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge,
then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
“Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
FRUSTRATED, THE MAN ANSWERED, “PUT THAT CAT ON THE PHONE, I’M LOST AND NEED DIRECTIONS!”
One day he decided to drive him 20 blocks from his home and leave him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge,
then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife:
“Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes”, the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
FRUSTRATED, THE MAN ANSWERED, “PUT THAT CAT ON THE PHONE, I’M LOST AND NEED DIRECTIONS!”
and he is still not sweating
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Clearly a fake, she is wayyyyy to old for him
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment
Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers were finally satisfied.
They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment
Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers were finally satisfied.
They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
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