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Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

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DoomedEarl

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#41
This is good but see post 14 of this very thread ;)

A teacher ask little Johnny "what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny replies "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the best clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Monaco, holidays in Hawaii, an unlimited credit card and shag her 3 times a day."

The teacher is shocked and not knowing quite what to say, decides to ignores Johnny and ask Susie "What she wants to be?"

Susie replies "I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"
 

trevortron

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#43
An old lady dies and goes to Heaven.
She's chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and sodomised.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONGRATULATIONS - £10 Winner - Augusts Best Joke
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
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trevortron

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#44
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That's a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
 

miggy

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#45
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."
 

thomasjcat

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#46
A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, Dad, what does a vagina look like? The dad asked him, Before or after sex? Ummm, before sex, the kid replied. The dad said, Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals? Yeah, said the son. Well, what about after sex? His dad replied, Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?
 
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#47
2 Nuns on a tandem, ist nun say's iv'e never come this way before

2nd nun replies yes it must be the cobbles
 

pipsqueaker

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#49
Nicked from a local magazine.

A bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything other than Old Thumper.
The barman asks "Why, whats wrong with Old Thumper?"
Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Old Thumper last night and when I came round I was ****ing skint."
The barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, " Skint's my dog."
 

nufc

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#50
two nuns in the bath one says to the other wheres the soap second one says thats right
 

nufc

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#51
a lad was sitting at home with no money but wanted to go to the pub for a couple of pints so he asked his dad to lend him something. how much do you want said his father ,just six pounds dad then i can have 3 pints.the lad went to the pub it was very quiet then came a octopus in and they got talking one thing led to another after a few pints the octopus felt unwell so the lad says to him come to my house till you feel better when they got to his house they went inside he heard his father saying not to forget to pay him back so he picked the octopus up went to his father and threw the octopus at him and said here is the sick squid i owe you
 

trevortron

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#52
Paddy goes to the doctor to ask for a vasectomy. 'Doctor' he says, 'you need to help me. I have 8 kids already, the house is too small, I've no money, I can't have any more kids'.
Doc tells him he needs a vasectomy. 'But I told you, I have no money, I can't afford it.' replies Paddy.
OK says the doc, there is a cheaper way. On your way home, buy the biggest firework rocket you can afford. When you get home, pop it into an empty beer bottle and light the fuse. Then hold the bottle up to your right ear & count to 10.
Paddy thinks about it & goes 'What the heck, I'll give it a go'.
So he gets home with the £29.99 rocket, pops it into the beer bottle & lights it. Up to the ear it went, and Paddy started counting up to 10. On his fingers. When he got to 5 it got a bit complicated, so he pops the beer bottle between his thighs.... 6.... 7... 8....:arrrr:
 

die5el

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#53
A lady visits her therapist. "I think my husband is a son of a bitch."

The therapist asks why she thinks that. She replies, "Well, he kisses me."

The therapist kisses her and says, "I kissed you, and I'm not a son of a bitch."

She replies, "Yes, but he feels me up."

The therapist proceeds to feel her up.

He returns to his seat and says, "I felt you up, and I'm not a son of a bitch."

The lady replies, "But he -- you know -- has sex with me."

So the therapist goes over and has sex with her. After they're finished, the therapist says, "See, I just had sex with you, and I'm not a son of a bitch."

The lady says, "Yes, but my husband has AIDS."

The therapist says, "SON OF A BITCH."
 

Paul-K

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#54
Took the mrs out last night for a romantic meal. We started playing footsie under the table. I had the steak and she got toed in the hole.
 

sticky

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#56
"G'day mate, fosters helpline, whats the problem dude"

"im in Australia With the girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet, and now her fanny has completely closed up"

"bummer dude"

"thanks mate, bye"
 

miggy

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#57
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "Ddddooo youuuu hhhave dddddildosss?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies:
Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models." The old woman asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu hhhave aaa pppinkk one, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt tttwoo inchesss thththiiickkk?" The clerk responds,"Yes we do". "Ccccccannnn yyyyouuuu tttelll mmmmeeee hhhhowwww ttttoooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ffffuucccckkkkinggg ttthingggg offffff?"
 

thomasjcat

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#58
I went into the library today and found this little gem of a book - 'Raping choirboys and getting away with it' by Rev. Justin Casey Squeals.
 

craigneuk

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#59
]I think my new girlfriend's a slut.

I asked her if she preferred being on top or on the bottom during sex and she replied, "In the middle."
 

trevortron

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#60
When asked if he preferred legs or breasts, a man admitted he had a particular fondness for shaven fannies.
"I'm sorry sir, we don't do that sort of thing." came the reply from the KFC employee!
 
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