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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. I joined a health club last year, spent about £400 and I Haven't lost a pound...

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period? A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble. Q: What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear? A: Both are hot, both look better while...

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the Veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she...

Late last Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin...

I've got my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting tomorrow. I rang them today to check the time. It's at fookin ten to one. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I nearly bought an origami belt the other day. But then I realised it would just be a waist of paper. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I've...

A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill. The...

Scientists have revealed that they have developed a new drug for depressed lesbians - it's called TRYDIXAGAIN. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ During a particularly dry summer, a chemical plant bursts into flames and the alarm goes out to all available fire departments. Twenty engines duly arrive...

Condom slogans... 1. Cover your stump before you hump. 2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker. 3. Don't be silly, protect your willy. 4. When in doubt, shroud your spout. 5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner. 6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong. 7. If...

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist. 'Come now,' coaxed the doctor, 'you've been seeing me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me.' 'This one's kind of strange...' 'Let me be the judge of that,’ Thee doctor replied. 'Well,' she said...

These classified ads. were really put in the paper - a smile for your day FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother, A Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father, Super...

A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to students. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach...

1) Paris Hilton talking to press about the US chain store: "Wal-Mart... do they like make walls there?" 2) Jessica Simpson on NewleyWeds: “Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it says 'Chicken by the Sea.' 3) Alicia Silverstone on her role in Clueless...

I've just read that men who live in Reykjavik, on average have the biggest penises in the world. ....So thats why mums go to Iceland. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But...

When George first noticed that his ding a ling was growing larger and staying up longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, it had grown to nearly twenty inches. George became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife...

Father to little daughter: You are the most beautiful girl in this photo... and I'm not biased. Father: Do you know what "biased" means? Daughter (rolling her eyes): Yes, it means that you like both boys and girls. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A guy walks into a bank and says to the...

Lincolnshire Council have become the first local authority to sanction a new method of building houses from straw bales. The houses are cheaper to build, are sourced from local materials, and are very well insulated so it will keep heating bills down. A spokesman said that in these cash...

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." After a few moments...

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING UP ON THE WALL FOR? THE JOKE IS IN YOUR HANDS. - Mens room, Lynagh's Bar. Lexington, KY NO MATTER HOW GOOD SHE LOOKS, SOME OTHER GUY IS SICK AND TIRED OF PUTTING UP WITH HER ****. - Men's room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC IF YOU CAN PISS THIS HIGH, JOIN...

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife" "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?" "Look around," said the saleslady, as...

My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my X-box?! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I got in a lift yesterday and ended up standing next to this woman. She smelled just like my ex-girlfriend, the same perfume or something like...