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Merry Xmas & happy new to all

Sorry to moan on here, but I'm absolutely fed up with people whinging about the prices of things, for goodness sake... £2.50 for tea, £3.75 for coffee £2.95 for a slice of cake and £2.50 for parking… Any more complaints and I will stop inviting friends to my house altogether!

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My wife said to me "If anything happens to me you should meet other women" So I did. She wasn't very pleased - apparently she meant if she died, not when she got caught up in traffic.

News just in that a British couple who went on Honeymoon to Bondi Beach have met with trouble, the husband was taken by a shark whilst surfing. Word has it that he didn't suffer for long. He was only married for 10 days.

This morning I had irate neighbours banging on my door complaining that I was making to much noise whilst making love to the girlfriend. If they only knew, I was actually trying to put my socks on.

A few weeks ago a coach load of Ladies went on a jolly to the Epsom Derby, but they never made it there, the coach swerved off the road into a river and there were no survivor's. All the husbands were inconsolable, they shed tears for the following week, one poor husband was in such a state, he...

A married man's prayer. Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away. You gave me my youth and you took it away. You gave me my wife, it's been a few years now, just giving you a little reminder.

Came home yesterday to find my wife had been on eBay all day. If she's still on there tomorrow I'm going to have to lower the price.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb." The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

My wife just called me to say that Gavin from Autoglass has turned up, and has injected his resin into the crack. I'm really not a suspicious person, but I've got the car.

Paddy was out in town on a night out, met this tidy bit of tackle, bought her a few drinks, slow danced her near the end of the night and asked her if he could walk her home. The girl replied, Yes, you can but no funny business as I'm on my menstrual cycle. Paddy said, That's OK, I'll follow...

Today I got the sack from my new job, I was always punctual, polite, a real people person. I kept asking the customers if they preferred smoking or non smoking Apparently I should've asked, cremation or burial.

Last night I was sat having my dinner when the girlfriend started doing a weekly wash, bent over I told her, you're putting weight on, your ass is the same size as the washing machine. Later that night, we snuggled up on the settee, it came to bed time and I was getting a bit frisky, she looked...

This morning I woke up, popped into the kitchen to find the girlfriend making our breakfast, nice soft boiled eggs and soldiers. Almost instantly she said, I need you to make love to me, right here right now, I thought what a great spontaneous way to start the day, I happily obliged. We went...

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school...

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the...

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability. The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers then...

A MAN ABSOLUTELY HATED HIS WIFE’S CAT AND DECIDED TO GET RID OF HIM. One day he decided to drive him 20 blocks from his home and leave him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and...