BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck.
'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you?
Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.
He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says,
“What the fook would they want with a plasterer”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GLASGOW NICKNAMES.
Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.
The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the
side).
The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'
The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.
Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.
Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.
Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the
picture...'
Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.
Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls .
The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.
The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw
Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.
Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.
Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be
scared of the alarm clock.
The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed
sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.
The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.
The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my
hands are tied..
The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad complexion.
The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.
Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)
~~~~~~~~~~~
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says,
"We'll just see about that.
Get off the bike."
The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard,
"I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy.
It's all I think about...Just between you and me,
what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says,
"Bicycles."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.
One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else.
Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.
Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes, the waitress approached him and asked,
"Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied,
"Well, then go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."
The barman looks at him and says,
'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck.
'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you?
Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus.
He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says,
“What the fook would they want with a plasterer”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GLASGOW NICKNAMES.
Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.
Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.
The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. the wee bag on the
side).
The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'
The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.
Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.
Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.
Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the
picture...'
Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.
Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls .
The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.
The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw
Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.
Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up.
Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be
scared of the alarm clock.
The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed
sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.
The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.
The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my
hands are tied..
The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad complexion.
The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.
Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals (aka the great dicktaker)
~~~~~~~~~~~
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says,
"We'll just see about that.
Get off the bike."
The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard,
"I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy.
It's all I think about...Just between you and me,
what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says,
"Bicycles."
~~~~~~~~~~~
Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully each day before ordering.
One day, his regular waitress decided to see if he could be made to order anything else.
Before giving him the menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.
Once the customer had looked over the menu for a few minutes, the waitress approached him and asked,
"Sir, did you notice that I scratched something you like?"
Without looking up from the menu, he quickly replied,
"Well, then go wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."
