BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the Veterinarian.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears.
So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some
'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the register the chemist tells her,
'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use any deodorant for a few days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The chemist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either.
But if you must know, .....I'm using it on my Schnauzer.'
The chemist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lemonade Prank,
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD6Qcx6VXqY&eurl"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD6Qcx6VXqY&eurl[/ame]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who said what:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: -
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dan gerfield.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the cardiologist's diet:
- If it tastes good spit it out.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears.
So he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some
'Nair' hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the chemist and gets some 'Nair' hair remover.
At the register the chemist tells her,
'If you're going to use this under your arms don't use any deodorant for a few days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it under my arms.'
The chemist says: 'If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days.'
The lady says: 'I'm not using it on my legs either.
But if you must know, .....I'm using it on my Schnauzer.'
The chemist says: 'Stay off your bicycle for a week.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lemonade Prank,
[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD6Qcx6VXqY&eurl"]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tD6Qcx6VXqY&eurl[/ame]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Who said what:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,
'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: -
'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dan gerfield.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the cardiologist's diet:
- If it tastes good spit it out.
