BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude.
He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied,
"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates,
and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her
"What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says,
"Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Irishmen Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends, agreed that when one passed on, the other would spill the contents of a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over the grave of his recently departed friend.
As fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Upon hearing of his friend’s illness, Pat came to visit one last time.
“Shawn, can you hear me?” asked Pat.
Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”
Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”
“Yes, I do, Paddy,” Shawn strained.
“And you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey, which we have been saving for nearly 30 years now, over your grave,” said Pat.
“Yes, Paddy, I do,” whispered Shawn.
“It’s a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.
“And what are you gettin’ at, Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.
“Well, Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.
She says, " I want a man that's smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "
The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "
The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "
The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " liver alone, cheese mine!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Chinese couple gets married.
She's a vrgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his ****** bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!"
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?
He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading.
The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain.
When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied,
"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates,
and the next thing I know is I'm here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her
"What did you do to that naked fellow?"
After a little pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing.
I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says,
"Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Irishmen Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends, agreed that when one passed on, the other would spill the contents of a bottle of fine Irish whiskey over the grave of his recently departed friend.
As fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.
Upon hearing of his friend’s illness, Pat came to visit one last time.
“Shawn, can you hear me?” asked Pat.
Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”
Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”
“Yes, I do, Paddy,” Shawn strained.
“And you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey, which we have been saving for nearly 30 years now, over your grave,” said Pat.
“Yes, Paddy, I do,” whispered Shawn.
“It’s a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.
“And what are you gettin’ at, Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.
“Well, Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A black guy, a white guy, and a Mexican guy were eying a hot chick from across a bar.
She notices them looking at her, so she walks up to them.
She says, " I want a man that's smart. Use the words LIVER and CHEESE in one sentence. "
The black guy goes " I love to eat liver and cheese. "
The white guy goes " I like to cook liver and cheese. "
The Mexican guy goes up to the girl and tells the guys " liver alone, cheese mine!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Chinese couple gets married.
She's a vrgin and, truth be told, he is none too experienced either.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.
He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis yo firs time and you berry frighten.
I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting... just anyting you want, you say.
Whatchou want?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his ****** bride.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I want... numba 69!"
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries... "You want... Beef wif Broccori?
