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Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

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ghostdriver

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#82
I heard some of my son's friends call my wife a MILF
I found out this means mothers I'd like to ****.

So when I heard my teenage daughter's friends say
your dad's FILF, I got a right stiffy.

Turns out they found my porn collection.
 
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#83
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with
expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of
the road in a secluded spot.

They start kissing and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to
reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin
and wants to stay that way.

"Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?"

"EEEEyyyyyyeeeew!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in
my mouth!"

He says, "Well then, how about a hand job?"

"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used
to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"

She nods.

"Well, it's just like that."

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking
it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows
out of his ears and he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!" she cries out.

"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END WILL YOU!!!"
 

JPC

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#84
Email
This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won’t crack up over this!

I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, ‘My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?’

I didn’t respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal – some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, ‘Mummy, where’s my facecloth?’

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied, ‘No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.’

NEVER going back to that doctor
 

craigneuk

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#85
I'm sick to death of people coming to my door asking for donations.

Earlier today i had a woman from the sperm bank at my door ,

**** me ! Did i give her a mouthful !.....
 

craigneuk

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#86
The Mrs has just come into the living room wearing a tight little pvc number,
fishnets and high heels,
handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.


I can't wait...


I ****in love Stovies!!!
 

trevortron

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#87
The Mrs has just come into the living room wearing a tight little pvc number,
fishnets and high heels,
handed me a cold beer and told me to sit down, relax, and when she comes back she'll give me 'what she does best'.


I can't wait...


I ****in love Stovies!!!
You might have to explain "stovies" to our Sassanach cousins....!
 

IANB

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#88
You might have to explain "stovies" to our Sassanach cousins....!
A Scottish dish made from sausage and onions or sometimes corned beef. Probably a bit like corned beef hash but better ;)
 

craigneuk

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#89
A Scottish dish made from sausage and onions or sometimes corned beef. Probably a bit like corned beef hash but better ;)
I must have come from the posh end! ma Maw's was the leftovers from the Sunday dinner which was Stew and mince Threw into a bigger pot with sliced tatties and onions and more gravy. served in a soup bowl with a 33/1 Dooker ! thats an outsider of Scottish Plain bread to our English Friends :Drool: :licka:
 

JPC

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#90
A husband and wife take golf lessons at the local club.

The husband goes first, and hits the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says,

"Now hold your club, as firmly as you hold your wife's breast."

The man follows the instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.

The wife goes next, and hits the ball 30 yards.

The golf pro says,

"Try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick.

"She swings, and the ball only goes 10 yards...!!!!!

The golf pro says,

"Not bad, now try taking the club out of your mouth!!!!
 

Goldberg

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#91
My mate called me this morning after his new girlfriend stayed the night for the first time.

Mate: Goldy, I was going to knock our lass up something nice for breakfast but need your help.

Goldy: Erm, it's 6:45 mate.. What the funk!

Mate: I know I am sorry, but I really want to make an effort...

Goldy: Shitting hell... Ok I will try. What did you have in mind..

Mate: Some nice Orange Juice and all the rest but I wanted to make an effort with the main event, a Lettuce Platter!

Goldy: Hang on a minute, you call me at 6:45 in the AM to ask me how to knock up a ****ing lettuce platter!

Mate: Erm.. Yeah? I was thinking Cos, Iceburg and the likes?

Goldy: A ****ING LETTUCE PLATTER FOR BREAKFAST!?!

Mate: Yeah, I thought it would be nice as she probably eats like one too!
 

Mick

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#97
We are working out the winner for this months prize...

Thread is closed until winner is announced

Thank you all for getting involved!

Mick
 
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