A Thinking Problem


DW Regular
May 24, 2005
Reaction score
Down Here

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now
and then -- to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to
another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to
think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't
true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I
was thinking ALL the time.

That was when things began to sour at home.

One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my husband about the
meaning of life. He spent that night at the local bar.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment
don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at
lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the
office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing

One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it
hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem.
If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," he said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," he said. "You think as much as college professors,
and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on
thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. He exploded in rage
and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional
drama. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared
into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big
glass doors... They didn't open. The library was closed. To this
day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster
caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it
asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard
Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never
miss a TA meeting.

At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
"Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot
better at home.

Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.

Today, I registered to vote as a Republican...