BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major big shots of Paris.
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman without a bikini top strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself
“Wouldn’t it be great if she would just come down and talk to me?”
He went back to gathering the snails, when all of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment, a way down the beach, and they started messing around.
It got so hot and muggy that he was exhausted afterward and passed out.
At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed,
“Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!”
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of the apartment.
He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all up and down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he’s been all this time.
He looked at the snails now crawling all over the steps, looked at his wife and then back at the snails and yelled:
“Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
~~~~~~~~
One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine looked at the man and said,
“Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine again told the man,
“Sir, as I said yesterday,
Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and, again just walked away
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying
“I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
“Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush.
I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said,
“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
“See you tomorrow, Sir.”
~~~~~~~~
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns..
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?
The doctor replied,
‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’
~~~~~~~~
________________________________________
Judge to prostitute,’So when did you realize you were raped?’
Prostitute, wiping away tears: ‘When the check bounced.’
~~~~~~~~
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother.
“I’ll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
“May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again,
“May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother sternly.
Growing very impatient, they asked,
“Well, when can we see the baby?”
“When he cries!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES??” they demanded.
“Why do we have to wait until he cries??”
“BECAUSE…I forgot where I put him!”
The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect.
At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman without a bikini top strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.
He kept thinking to himself
“Wouldn’t it be great if she would just come down and talk to me?”
He went back to gathering the snails, when all of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment, a way down the beach, and they started messing around.
It got so hot and muggy that he was exhausted afterward and passed out.
At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed,
“Oh no! My wife’s dinner party!”
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.
He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of the apartment.
He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all up and down the stairs.
The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he’s been all this time.
He looked at the snails now crawling all over the steps, looked at his wife and then back at the snails and yelled:
“Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
~~~~~~~~
One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave, where he’d been sitting on a park bench.
He spoke to the US Marine standing guard and said,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine looked at the man and said,
“Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The old man said, “Okay” and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine,
“I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine again told the man,
“Sir, as I said yesterday,
Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.”
The man thanked him and, again just walked away
The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same US Marine, saying
“I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.”
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said,
“Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush.
I’ve told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don’t you understand?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said,
“Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
“See you tomorrow, Sir.”
~~~~~~~~
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns..
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?
The doctor replied,
‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’
~~~~~~~~
________________________________________
Judge to prostitute,’So when did you realize you were raped?’
Prostitute, wiping away tears: ‘When the check bounced.’
~~~~~~~~
With all the new technology regarding fertility, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
“May we see the new baby?” one asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother.
“I’ll make coffee and we can visit for awhile first.”
Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,
“May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again,
“May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother sternly.
Growing very impatient, they asked,
“Well, when can we see the baby?”
“When he cries!” she told them.
“WHEN HE CRIES??” they demanded.
“Why do we have to wait until he cries??”
“BECAUSE…I forgot where I put him!”
