BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
In waiting
An irate diner raised his hand to catch the attention of a passing waiter.
"Excuse me," said the man, "but how long have you been working here?"
"About a year," replied the waiter.
"In that case," continued the diner, "it couldn’t have been you who took my order."
Special paint
A husband comes home and sees his wife painting the living room, but she had her raincoat and her fur coat on. He asks her why she has her coats on. She replies, "I read the can, and it said for best results put on two coats."
Most obedient
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”
Tough job
Manager: “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary.”
Applicant: “Well, the work is much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing.”
Bad student
“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher, “I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”
“Goes in both ears and out the other?” asks the puzzled teacher, “but you only have two ears, son.”
“You see, sir, I’m no good at maths, either.”
Efficient worker
The factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his new packer.
He put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said, “Well, Ole, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up, Handle With Care.’”
“Yes sir,” the worker replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”
Heavenly call
GALLAGHER opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you calling from?"
Peanuts
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and takes his friend with him.
While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts lying on the coffee table and finishes them off. As they’re leaving, the friend says to the guy’s grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Anytime, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them."
Great looks
A husband in a party was overheard telling his friend: "I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she’s been giving me lately."
Inventions
The science teacher, during a lesson, asked a student to name any two major inventions`A0that helped man rise in the world. Pat came the reply,`A0"The alarm clock and the escalator, sir."
Bill
A lawyer sent an overdue bill notice to a client who had fired him. A note was attached that stated, "This bill is one-year-old!"
By return mail the lawyer got his bill back. To it was attached a card, which read: "Happy Birthday!"
Sweet music
A band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians told the man that if he, too, left, they could all go home.
"It’s up to you," he answered. "I’m just waiting to put away all those folding chairs."
Dead cat
A little boy went to school one day and while he was gone, his cat was run over by a truck. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.
Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don’t worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
To which the boy replied, "What is God going to do with a dead cat?"
Work wise
A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Family support
The future father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
Child’s logic
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don’t you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
Great friends
A woman stays out all night and the next day tells her husband she stayed at a friend’s house. Her husband calls around 10 of her friends and they know nothing about it.
A man stays out all night and the next day tells his wife he stayed at a friend’s house. She calls 10 of his friends, eight confirm that he slept over, two claim he’s still there.
Spellcheck
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage’.”
The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”
Brave hearts
Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths.
The first mouse says, “Mouse traps, Ha! I do push-ups with the bar”. The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin “D-Con Rat Poison”.
The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave. The first mouse says, “Where do you think you’re going?” “Time to go home and chase the cat.”
Lazybones
A site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. “I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced.
“Will the laziest man please put his hand up?” Nine hands went up. “Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the 10th man. “Too much trouble,” came the reply.
Cold comfort
It was a terrible bone-chilling night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner when a little old bedraggled man went to a bakery shop and said: “May I have two bagels, please?”
The baker said in astonishment, “Two bagels? Nothing more?”
“That’s right,” answered the little man. “One for me and one for Sherry.” “And who is Sherry, your wife?” asked the baker. “What do you think,” snapped the man, “that my mother would send me out on a night like this?”
Golf lesson
ONE day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way. The grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not too far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."
Presence of mind
A new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but at about 5 a.m., he went to sleep. When he opened his eyes, he found the day officer standing before him.
Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
Smart move
While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. "Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," said the clerk, "but don’t worry. I got the license plate number.
Watch your whistle
Just before their first long deployment two navy buddies were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered the following advice: “You must be sensitive to your wives’ emotional needs,” he said adding, “Never, ever, whistle while you pack.”
Perfect fit
Customer: “I’d like to try on that dress in the window”. Saleslady: “I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else”.
Life insurance
Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency. During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?” The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably, a life sentence.”
What a relief
A moron tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn’t to use the stairs until the cast came off. Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery. “Oh good,” he responded. “Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?” “Yes,” said the doctor, “if you will promise to be careful.”
“I can’t tell you what a relief it will be,” he sighed. “It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time.”
An irate diner raised his hand to catch the attention of a passing waiter.
"Excuse me," said the man, "but how long have you been working here?"
"About a year," replied the waiter.
"In that case," continued the diner, "it couldn’t have been you who took my order."
Special paint
A husband comes home and sees his wife painting the living room, but she had her raincoat and her fur coat on. He asks her why she has her coats on. She replies, "I read the can, and it said for best results put on two coats."
Most obedient
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
“Who is the most obedient?” he asked. “Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?”
Five small voices answered in unison. “Okay, dad, you get the toy.”
Tough job
Manager: “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high salary.”
Applicant: “Well, the work is much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing.”
Bad student
“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher, “I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”
“Goes in both ears and out the other?” asks the puzzled teacher, “but you only have two ears, son.”
“You see, sir, I’m no good at maths, either.”
Efficient worker
The factory foreman inspected the shipment of crystal vases leaving the plant, and approached his new packer.
He put his arm around the man’s shoulder and said, “Well, Ole, I see you did what I asked. Stamped the top of each box, ‘This Side Up, Handle With Care.’”
“Yes sir,” the worker replied. “And just to make sure, I stamped it on the bottom too.”
Heavenly call
GALLAGHER opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!" "Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are you calling from?"
Peanuts
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and takes his friend with him.
While he’s talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts lying on the coffee table and finishes them off. As they’re leaving, the friend says to the guy’s grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Anytime, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off them."
Great looks
A husband in a party was overheard telling his friend: "I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she’s been giving me lately."
Inventions
The science teacher, during a lesson, asked a student to name any two major inventions`A0that helped man rise in the world. Pat came the reply,`A0"The alarm clock and the escalator, sir."
Bill
A lawyer sent an overdue bill notice to a client who had fired him. A note was attached that stated, "This bill is one-year-old!"
By return mail the lawyer got his bill back. To it was attached a card, which read: "Happy Birthday!"
Sweet music
A band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians told the man that if he, too, left, they could all go home.
"It’s up to you," he answered. "I’m just waiting to put away all those folding chairs."
Dead cat
A little boy went to school one day and while he was gone, his cat was run over by a truck. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.
Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, "But don’t worry, the cat is in heaven with God now."
To which the boy replied, "What is God going to do with a dead cat?"
Work wise
A businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his chair before he dropped exhausted. His sympathetic wife was right there with a tall cool drink and a comforting word.
"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"
"It was terrible," her husband said. "The computer broke down and all of us had to do our own thinking."
Family support
The future father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
Child’s logic
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher.
The small boy wrote, "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don’t you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. "It means carrying a child."
Great friends
A woman stays out all night and the next day tells her husband she stayed at a friend’s house. Her husband calls around 10 of her friends and they know nothing about it.
A man stays out all night and the next day tells his wife he stayed at a friend’s house. She calls 10 of his friends, eight confirm that he slept over, two claim he’s still there.
Spellcheck
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage. The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage’.”
The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”
Brave hearts
Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths.
The first mouse says, “Mouse traps, Ha! I do push-ups with the bar”. The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin “D-Con Rat Poison”.
The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table and starts to leave. The first mouse says, “Where do you think you’re going?” “Time to go home and chase the cat.”
Lazybones
A site foreman had 10 very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change. “I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced.
“Will the laziest man please put his hand up?” Nine hands went up. “Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the 10th man. “Too much trouble,” came the reply.
Cold comfort
It was a terrible bone-chilling night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner when a little old bedraggled man went to a bakery shop and said: “May I have two bagels, please?”
The baker said in astonishment, “Two bagels? Nothing more?”
“That’s right,” answered the little man. “One for me and one for Sherry.” “And who is Sherry, your wife?” asked the baker. “What do you think,” snapped the man, “that my mother would send me out on a night like this?”
Golf lesson
ONE day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way. The grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not too far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."
Presence of mind
A new army recruit was serving his first guard duty. He did his best for a while but at about 5 a.m., he went to sleep. When he opened his eyes, he found the day officer standing before him.
Remembering the stiff penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this clever young man kept his head bowed for another moment, then looked upward and reverently said, "A-a-a-men!"
Smart move
While Mark was shopping for pet supplies, one of the salespeople came running up to him. "Mark! Mark! I just saw someone driving off with your BMW!"
"Dear God! Did you try to stop him?"
"No," said the clerk, "but don’t worry. I got the license plate number.
Watch your whistle
Just before their first long deployment two navy buddies were talking about the stress of leaving their families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard the conversation and offered the following advice: “You must be sensitive to your wives’ emotional needs,” he said adding, “Never, ever, whistle while you pack.”
Perfect fit
Customer: “I’d like to try on that dress in the window”. Saleslady: “I’m sorry, madam, you’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else”.
Life insurance
Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the man at the Insurance Agency. During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?” The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably, a life sentence.”
What a relief
A moron tripped on the stairs and broke his leg. The doctor put a cast on it and warned that he wasn’t to use the stairs until the cast came off. Four months later he removed the cast and pronounced him well on the way to recovery. “Oh good,” he responded. “Is it all right for me to walk the stairs now?” “Yes,” said the doctor, “if you will promise to be careful.”
“I can’t tell you what a relief it will be,” he sighed. “It was such a nuisance crawling outside and shinnying up and down that drainpipe all the time.”
