Always guaranteed to make you laugh
1. Two blondes walk into a
building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2.Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing
only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see
you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I
bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He
said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of
muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in
hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I
can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut
your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the
floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that
he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry
growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on
it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not
unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the
vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to
have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because
he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a
cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call
a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this
bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look
great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5
people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so
it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older
Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police
arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said,
"I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go
there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed next to a
cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies
so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues closer to
the wreck site. .
well them made me laugh..
1. Two blondes walk into a
building...you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2.Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing
only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see
you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day
but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I
bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He
said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of
muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in
hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I
can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut
your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have
your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the
floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that
he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry
growing out of his head. Doc says, "I'll give you some cream to put on
it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. 'Is it common?' "It's not
unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is
cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the
vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to
have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because
he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a
cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call
a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this
bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look
great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5
people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so
it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older
Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its
Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your
round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police
arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the
other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one
off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said,
"I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go
there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this
morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed next to a
cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies
so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues closer to
the wreck site. .
well them made me laugh..
