BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45.
He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said,
"We've been waiting a long time for you." "What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside.
After a few minutes the angel returned.
"Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82.
I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says,
"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson.
The pro watches her swing and says,
"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two lesbians walk into a house of ill repute.
They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!"
The madame says, "No. I refuse to serve minors to lickers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A typical married couple was lying in bed one night.
The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty".
He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time.
He would then stop and resume reading his book.
The wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.
She got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked.
"What are you doing taking your clothes off?
The wife replied,
"You were playing with my kitty.
I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."
The husband said, "No, not at all."
The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"
The husband replied,
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said,
"We've been waiting a long time for you." "What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life.
Why did I have to die now?"
"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy.
I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."
"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside.
After a few minutes the angel returned.
"Sorry, but by our records you *are* 82.
I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says,
"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?", asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway.
The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson.
The pro watches her swing and says,
"No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP -- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two lesbians walk into a house of ill repute.
They ask for the youngest woman in the joint.
The madame says that she will not allow the youngest girl any time with them.
The lesbians make the demand again, "We want the youngest girl here!"
The madame says, "No. I refuse to serve minors to lickers."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A typical married couple was lying in bed one night.
The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.
As he was reading, he would periodically reach over to his wife and fondle her "kitty".
He did this a few times but only for a very short time each time.
He would then stop and resume reading his book.
The wife gradually became aroused with this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further.
She got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked.
"What are you doing taking your clothes off?
The wife replied,
"You were playing with my kitty.
I thought it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight."
The husband said, "No, not at all."
The wife then asked, "Well, what the hell were you doing then?"
The husband replied,
"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book."
