> I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by
> sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the
> departure lounge.
>
> ________________________________
> A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the
> size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her
> husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with
> her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised
> it was caught"
> ________________________________
> Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
> Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints
> of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
> Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
> Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
> ________________________________
> I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach,
> I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..
> ________________________________
> Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when your drunk. "husband
> says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
> _____________________________________________________________________________________________________
> My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a
> blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped
> tails.
> A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse
> ________________________________
> Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
> Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
> Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your bloody lot."
> ________________________________
> I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
> She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
>
> ________________________________
> A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its
> stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and
> then bury it.....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that,
> what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike
> ________________________________
> A blind man went 4 a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any
> wood by its smell.
> They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
> To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
> He sniffed & said he wasn’t sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over,
> he sniffed again & said:
> "You can't fool me, it’s an old sh!thouse door off a fishin’ boat!
> ________________________________
> Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
> They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a
> mortar attack.
> ________________________________
> The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that
> trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
> "The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep!"
> ________________________________
> A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
> Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
> "No," he replies, "newcastle"
> "What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
> "Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place!
> ________________________________
> An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including
> cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Library in
> Liverpool.
> The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no
> bloody idea they had a Library!
> ________________________________
> Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long
> relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
> ________________________________
> A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i can’t find my
> wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do
> you have any idea where your wife is? Not a clue he says but whenever
> I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of nowhere!
> ________________________________
> My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
> It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles that I realised she
> wanted to rent her spare room out!!
> sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the
> departure lounge.
>
> ________________________________
> A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the
> size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her
> husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with
> her he said "How far across the f**king field were u before u realised
> it was caught"
> ________________________________
> Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella.
> Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints
> of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
> Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
> Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
> ________________________________
> I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach,
> I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood..
> ________________________________
> Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when your drunk. "husband
> says "thats not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
> _____________________________________________________________________________________________________
> My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a
> blackbird. I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped
> tails.
> A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse
> ________________________________
> Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
> Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy & daddy said we came from the apes."
> Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your bloody lot."
> ________________________________
> I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
> She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
>
> ________________________________
> A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its
> stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and
> then bury it.....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that,
> what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike
> ________________________________
> A blind man went 4 a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any
> wood by its smell.
> They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time.
> To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open.
> He sniffed & said he wasn’t sure & asked 4 the 'wood' 2 b turned over,
> he sniffed again & said:
> "You can't fool me, it’s an old sh!thouse door off a fishin’ boat!
> ________________________________
> Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya.
> They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a
> mortar attack.
> ________________________________
> The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that
> trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked?
> "The one where you shut the f*ck up and go to sleep!"
> ________________________________
> A Geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan
> Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?"
> "No," he replies, "newcastle"
> "What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
> "Pretty much the same as this f*ckin place!
> ________________________________
> An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including
> cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Library in
> Liverpool.
> The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no
> bloody idea they had a Library!
> ________________________________
> Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long
> relationship... she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
> ________________________________
> A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says i can’t find my
> wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do
> you have any idea where your wife is? Not a clue he says but whenever
> I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of nowhere!
> ________________________________
> My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
> It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles that I realised she
> wanted to rent her spare room out!!
