Devilfish
DW Regular
It was 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, the golfer shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'
And she said, "Wear your sweater". --- The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the antenatal class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher... "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk. --- Two couples went out golfing together.
The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.
The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while farting rather loudly in the process.
No one commented.
She addressed the ball again but this time she gave a small fart as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
---
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't
A very bad golfer is playing at new course and he is having a very bad day.
He is on the 18th hole, and he sees a lake.
He says to his caddy "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake".
The caddy says" I don't think you can, you can't keep your head down that long"
---
Great Grandfather had been playing golf whenever possible for over 78 years.
Today had been no exception, he was out early and played his 18.
Directly after golf he attended his great, great grandson's wedding.
During the wedding reception, he was conversing with his great, great grandson, giving advice on having a happy marriage and a great life.
After a while the young groom said "Grandfather what's it like making love when you reach your age."
And he replied, "Well, its kinda like putting with a rope."
---
Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked women runs across the fairway and into the woods.
Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.
One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, " What's going on?"
The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer says, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
The old guy says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."
---
Great Comebacks
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 "
Caddy: "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that a half hour ago!"
Golfer: "Well, Caddy, How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before,Sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, Sir. It's a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Judge: "Do you truly understand the seriousness of things when you swear and state an oath?"
Boy: "Do I ever, your honour! I once caddied for you!"
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It still could be; it's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed."
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence"
--- An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links course when they spotted a stunning mermaid on the shore.
They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look. The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous.
The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?" "No, I haven't," whispered the mermaid. So the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly. The mermaid said, "Hmmmm, that's nice."
The Frenchman, not to be outdone, said, "Have you ever been kissed?" "No, I haven't," answered the mermaid. So the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow. "Hmmmm," sighed the mermaid, "that's nice."
Finally the Scotsman asked her, "Have you ever been screwed?" "No, I haven't," said the mermaid. "Well, you have now," said the Scotsman, "'cause the tide's out!" --- A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off.
Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals.
Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup.
Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet.
Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills.
Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day.
When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter." Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks.
After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him.
He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet. "What happened?" His friend inquired.
An obviously tipsy Dave replayed "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one. Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!" --- A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever.
He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "You've been out golfing all day!
Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started " --- An older couple are playing in the annual Husband & Wife Club Championship. They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.
She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming.
" I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!" ---
His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf."
"Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."
"Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!" --- A duffer hits a wicked slice of the tee that ricocheted through the trees and onto the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.When he got to his ball, he was greeted by the unintentional target, who angrily told him of the near miss.
"I'm very sorry" the errant golfer said, "I didn't have time to holler fore".
That's funny the man replyed, you had plenty time to holler "SHIT". ---
A man is getting married, and is standing by his bride at the church.
Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag.
His bride whispers: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
And the man said "This is not going to take all day is it?"
---
James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse.
James asked the pro: "What do you think of my game?"
The pro replied: "You should shortened your clubs by 1 inch."
James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.
To which the pro said, " No! It will help them fit in the dustbin!"
---
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus.
He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
---
Mac was an avid golfer his entire life.
As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor.
The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle.
The doctor gave Mac the old man's name and suggested that he could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball.
Mac, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle!
Well Mac made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing.
On the first tee, Mac drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went.
He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"
To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."
Mac asked, "Where did it go? "
Wilbur replied, "I forget!"
---
Mac and Jimmy decided to get together one morning and play a round.Mac brought along his little black puppy. When Mac sank a twelve foot putt on the first hole, the puppy stood on his hind legs and began to dance, jump and bark.
Jimmy said, "That's great, what does he do when you miss the putt?"
Mac said, "He does somersaults."
When Jimmy asked how many somersaults, Mac replied;
"That depends on how hard I kick him."
---
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?", asked the first detective.
"He was shot with a golf gun," replied the other.
"A golf gun? What's a golf gun?"
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."
---
The forty-something business executive..and avid golfer, was browsing the personal ads on the internet when he came across an interesting ad from an attractive lady living in the same town he did.
The ad read as follows...
Slim, attractive, buxom blonde, 5'6" 125 lbs. successful in business, happy in life, no children (or desire to have them), enjoys travelling, pampering her man and the finer things in life. Seeks similar qualities in
a partner for long term relationship.
GOLFERS NEED NOT APPLY.
---
A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know.
Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."
---
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the aesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.I don't have time to wait for the aesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness,this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."
---
An American guy travels to Japan on business.
After 3 days of intense meetings, he is exhausted. After work, he decides to go out and get some dinner and maybe have a few drinks.
Well, after a few beers and some Sake, he's feeling a little frisky. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks, he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action.
They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!"
The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room.
The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it!
The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!
The CEO turns to him and says, "What you mean, wrong hole?"
---
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!
What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor...she showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
---
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde.
She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask,
"So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
And she said, "Wear your sweater". --- The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the antenatal class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher... "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk. --- Two couples went out golfing together.
The men hit first from the men's tee and walked with the ladies to their tee box.
The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, while farting rather loudly in the process.
No one commented.
She addressed the ball again but this time she gave a small fart as she made contact with the ball, topping it and moving it only a short distance. She said, "I wonder why it didn't go any further?"
One of the men said, "I don't think you gave it enough gas!"
---
Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty In Golf But Aren't
- Nuts....my shaft is bent.
- After 18 holes I can barely walk
- You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
- Look at the size of his putter.
- Mind if I join your threesome?
- Stand with your back turned and drop it.
- Keep your head down and spread your legs a little more
- My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
- Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
- Hold up.....I need to wash my balls first
A very bad golfer is playing at new course and he is having a very bad day.
He is on the 18th hole, and he sees a lake.
He says to his caddy "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake".
The caddy says" I don't think you can, you can't keep your head down that long"
---
Great Grandfather had been playing golf whenever possible for over 78 years.
Today had been no exception, he was out early and played his 18.
Directly after golf he attended his great, great grandson's wedding.
During the wedding reception, he was conversing with his great, great grandson, giving advice on having a happy marriage and a great life.
After a while the young groom said "Grandfather what's it like making love when you reach your age."
And he replied, "Well, its kinda like putting with a rope."
---
Two golfers are waiting their turn on the tee when a naked women runs across the fairway and into the woods.
Two men in white coats and another guy carrying two buckets of sand are chasing her, and a little old man is bringing up the rear.
One of the golfers grabs the old man and says, " What's going on?"
The old guy says, "She's a nymphomaniac from the asylum, she keeps trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her."
The golfer says, "What about the guy with the buckets of sand?"
The old guy says, "That's his handicap. He caught her last time."
---
Great Comebacks
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 "
Caddy: "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever played on!"
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course, sir! We left that a half hour ago!"
Golfer: "Well, Caddy, How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before,Sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, Sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, Sir. It's a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, Sir, its a crime any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Judge: "Do you truly understand the seriousness of things when you swear and state an oath?"
Boy: "Do I ever, your honour! I once caddied for you!"
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddie. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It still could be; it's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed."
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence"
--- An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links course when they spotted a stunning mermaid on the shore.
They all dropped their clubs and ran down for a closer look. The mermaid was incredibly beautiful and voluptuous.
The Italian, burning with desire, asked the mermaid, "Have you ever been fondled?" "No, I haven't," whispered the mermaid. So the Italian walked over and hugged and fondled her warmly. The mermaid said, "Hmmmm, that's nice."
The Frenchman, not to be outdone, said, "Have you ever been kissed?" "No, I haven't," answered the mermaid. So the Frenchman went over and kissed her long and slow. "Hmmmm," sighed the mermaid, "that's nice."
Finally the Scotsman asked her, "Have you ever been screwed?" "No, I haven't," said the mermaid. "Well, you have now," said the Scotsman, "'cause the tide's out!" --- A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off.
Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals.
Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup.
Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet.
Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills.
Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day.
When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter." Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks.
After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him.
He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet. "What happened?" His friend inquired.
An obviously tipsy Dave replayed "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one. Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!" --- A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever.
He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."
The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.
He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."
The wife is furious. She yells at him "You've been out golfing all day!
Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."
The man sighs and says, "It's started " --- An older couple are playing in the annual Husband & Wife Club Championship. They are playing in a play-off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.
She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming.
" I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!" ---
Good Advice
- Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
- Form a loose grip.
- Keep your head down.
- Avoid a quick back swing.
- Stay out of the water.
- Try not to hit anyone.
- If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
- Don't stand directly in front of others.
- Quiet please!... while others are preparing to go.
- Don't take extra strokes.
His friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf."
"Yes," continued the friend, "but that stills doesn't tell me why you are so late."
"Well," said the fellow, "It took over 25 tosses to get it right!" --- A duffer hits a wicked slice of the tee that ricocheted through the trees and onto the next fairway, narrowly missing another golfer.When he got to his ball, he was greeted by the unintentional target, who angrily told him of the near miss.
"I'm very sorry" the errant golfer said, "I didn't have time to holler fore".
That's funny the man replyed, you had plenty time to holler "SHIT". ---
A man is getting married, and is standing by his bride at the church.
Standing by him is his golf clubs and bag.
His bride whispers: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"
And the man said "This is not going to take all day is it?"
---
James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after 18 holes they went into the clubhouse.
James asked the pro: "What do you think of my game?"
The pro replied: "You should shortened your clubs by 1 inch."
James asked if the pro thought this would help his game.
To which the pro said, " No! It will help them fit in the dustbin!"
---
A reporter was interviewing Jack Nicklaus.
He said, "Jack, you are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
To which Jack replied, "The holes are numbered!"
---
Mac was an avid golfer his entire life.
As he got into his sixties, his eyes started to fail him. He didn't want to give the game up, so he went to see the family eye doctor.
The doctor said there wasn't much he could do, but he knew of a 97 year old man who still had perfect sight, could see like an eagle.
The doctor gave Mac the old man's name and suggested that he could use him to watch where he hit his golf ball.
Mac, of course, didn't believe the doctor. The old guy was almost a century old, but could see like an eagle!
Well Mac made arrangements to bring Wilbur golfing.
On the first tee, Mac drove his ball about 200 yards, but of course, he couldn't see where it went.
He asks Wilbur, "Did you see my shot?"
To which Wilbur replied, "Sure did."
Mac asked, "Where did it go? "
Wilbur replied, "I forget!"
---
Mac and Jimmy decided to get together one morning and play a round.Mac brought along his little black puppy. When Mac sank a twelve foot putt on the first hole, the puppy stood on his hind legs and began to dance, jump and bark.
Jimmy said, "That's great, what does he do when you miss the putt?"
Mac said, "He does somersaults."
When Jimmy asked how many somersaults, Mac replied;
"That depends on how hard I kick him."
---
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?", asked the first detective.
"He was shot with a golf gun," replied the other.
"A golf gun? What's a golf gun?"
"I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan."
---
The forty-something business executive..and avid golfer, was browsing the personal ads on the internet when he came across an interesting ad from an attractive lady living in the same town he did.
The ad read as follows...
Slim, attractive, buxom blonde, 5'6" 125 lbs. successful in business, happy in life, no children (or desire to have them), enjoys travelling, pampering her man and the finer things in life. Seeks similar qualities in
a partner for long term relationship.
GOLFERS NEED NOT APPLY.
---
A murder has been committed.
Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 iron in his hands, looking at the lifeless body of a woman on the floor.
The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Yes."
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The man stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head.
"How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know.
Five, six, seven.....Put me down for a five."
---
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the aesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.I don't have time to wait for the aesthetic to work!"
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness,this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."
---
An American guy travels to Japan on business.
After 3 days of intense meetings, he is exhausted. After work, he decides to go out and get some dinner and maybe have a few drinks.
Well, after a few beers and some Sake, he's feeling a little frisky. He decides to go down the street to a geisha bar. After a few more drinks, he hires one of the women to go back to his hotel for some action.
They go back, begin to fool around, and eventually end up on the bed. As they start to have sex, she begins moaning . . . then screaming. As she catches her breath, she begins shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!"
The guy doesn't speak any Japanese, but is having the best sex of his life, and he's pretty proud of himself for giving the Geisha such a great time. After they're done, he pays her, and she leaves, barely able to walk out of the room.
The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese company he had been meeting with. Everything goes great . . they get to the 18th hole, and the CEO has a 40 ft. putt to make par, and have the best round of his life. He takes his time, lines it up, and sinks it!
The American is so thrilled, he decides to impress the CEO with the Japanese he's learned and starts shouting, "Shin-Wa! Shin-Wa!
The CEO turns to him and says, "What you mean, wrong hole?"
---
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died"
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!
What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"
"Your wife's, Senor...she showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."
SILENCE...................
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!"
---
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde.
She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?"
Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"
They're amazed, but continue to ask,
"So, how did you persuade her to marry you?"
"I lied about my age", Bob replies.
"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
