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Funnies

BRIAN1956

DW Joke King
Joined
Oct 3, 2007
Messages
76
Likes
17
#1
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a
Beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends
Over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if
Anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person
Doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in
The form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete
Professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam.
How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not
Have been there just at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,
"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers , "Madam, if you farted just looking at it,
You're going to shit when I tell you the price."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Marine Corps General Reinwaldwas interviewed on the radio the other day and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!!!!

This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible isn't it?

GENERAL REIN WALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

You gotta love the Marines!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a long
flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if
he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so
he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta
fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don't know the answer,
I'll pay you $5." Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get to
sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know
the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you
$50!"

This catches the Engineer's attention, and he sees no end to this torment
unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first
question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer
doesn't say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar
bill and hands it to the Programmer.

Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down on four?"

The Programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Airphone with
his modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers -- all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer
politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.
The Programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks
"Well, so what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer
$5, and turns away to get back to sleep.