Here are 100 sayings to test your knowledge of English. They are the best of those I found. If you know of good ones I didn't put here that involve puns, email me (and thanks to those who did!)
1.Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone
2.Confucius say, bird in the hand is not better than two in the bush
3.Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around
4.Confucius say, gypsies got no babies because gypsies have crystal balls
5.Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it
6.Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left
7.Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
8.Confucius say, man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night
9.Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it
10.Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants
11.Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient
12.Confucius say, passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly
13.Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long
14.Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week
15.Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent
16.Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts
17.Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired
18.Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted
19.Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist
20.Confucius say, man who make love on side of hill not on level
21.Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel
22.Confucius say, man with tight trousers is pressing his luck
23.Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot
24.Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy
25.Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts
26.Confucius say, man who sleep in bed of nails is holy
27.Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people
28.Confucius say, man who put pea in soup very unclean
29.Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok
30.Confucius say, boy who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand
31.Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab
32.Confucius say, to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better
33.Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts
34.Confucius say, butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders
35.Confucius say, man who live in glass house, should change in basement
36.Confucius say, man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face
37.Confucius say, man with big mouth beware of foot
38.Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew
39.Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up
40.Confucius say, man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion
41.Confucius say, man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic
42.Confucius say, house without bathroom is uncanny
43.Confucius say, foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
44.Confucius say, man who sits on stool smells like shit
45.Confucius say, man who throws dirt is losing ground
46.Confucius say, woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit
47.Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth
48.Confucius say, man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag
49.Confucius say, man who kisses girl's behind, get crack in face
50.Confucius say, girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town
51.Confucius say, man with penis in peanut butter jar, ****ing nuts
52.Confucius say, man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy
53.Confucius say, man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam
54.Confucius say, learn to masturbate - come in handy
55.Confucius say, girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip
56.Confucius say, girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge
57.Confucius say, waitress who sit on leper's lap, keep tip
58.Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose
59.Confucius say, cow with no legs, ground beef
60.Confucius say, two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn
61.Confucius say, baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard
62.Confucius say, finding old man in dark, not hard
63.Confucius say, man who smoke pot, choke on handle
64.Confucius say, OK for shit to happen - will decompose
65.Confucius say, man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache
66.Confucius say, man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands
67.Confucius say, secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk
68.Confucius say, man who drive like hell, bound to get there
69.Confucius say, man who sit on tack, get point
70.Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker
71.Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring
72.Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer - ****ing near water
73.Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself
74.Confucius say, woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom
75.Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have
76.Confucius say, man with athletic finger, make broad jump
77.Confucius say, man who sit on upturned tack, rise above all
78.Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night
79.Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke
80.Confucius say, man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet
81.Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back
82.Confucius say, man who eat pussy, do lip service
83.Confucius say, girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick
84.Confucius say, men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more
85.Confucius say, woman wearing G-string, high on crack
86.Confucius say, virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick
87.Confucius say, man who pull woman's bra strap, may get bust in face
88.Confucius say, woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock
89.Confucius say, man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self
90.Confucius say, man who jump through screen door, strain self
91.Confucius say, man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor
92.Confucius say, man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose
93.Confucius say, woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink
94.Confucius say, man who put cock on stove, have hot rod
95.Confucius say, man who **** in cemetery may end up ****ing dead
96.Confucius say, man who jizz in cash register come into money
97.Confucius say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time
98.Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money
99.Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed
100.Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers
1.Confucius say, virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone
2.Confucius say, bird in the hand is not better than two in the bush
3.Confucius say, man who do business in whore house get jerked around
4.Confucius say, gypsies got no babies because gypsies have crystal balls
5.Confucius say, panties not best thing on earth, but next to it
6.Confucius say, war not determine who right. War determine who left
7.Confucius say, woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house
8.Confucius say, man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night
9.Confucius say, it take many nail to build crib, one screw to fill it
10.Confucius say, man who keep feet on ground have trouble putting on pants
11.Confucius say, if you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient
12.Confucius say, passionate kiss like spider web, soon lead to undoing of fly
13.Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day long
14.Confucius say, couple on seven day honeymoon make whole week
15.Confucius say, woman who go camping must beware of evil intent
16.Confucius say, squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts
17.Confucius say, man who run before bus get tired
18.Confucius say, man who run behind bus get exhausted
19.Confucius say, man with tool in woman's mouth not necessarily dentist
20.Confucius say, man who make love on side of hill not on level
21.Confucius say, sex is like the army, the closer you are to discharge, the better you feel
22.Confucius say, man with tight trousers is pressing his luck
23.Confucius say, man who stand on toilet high on pot
24.Confucius say, man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy
25.Confucius say, man with hand in pocket all day not crazy, just feeling nuts
26.Confucius say, man who sleep in bed of nails is holy
27.Confucius say, do not drink and park, accidents cause people
28.Confucius say, man who put pea in soup very unclean
29.Confucius say, man who run through airport turnstile backward going to Bangkok
30.Confucius say, boy who go to sleep with sex problem on mind wake up with solution in hand
31.Confucius say, man who fishes in another woman's well, often catches crab
32.Confucius say, to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better
33.Confucius say, squirrel lay on rock and crack nuts, man lay on crack and rock nuts
34.Confucius say, butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders
35.Confucius say, man who live in glass house, should change in basement
36.Confucius say, man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face
37.Confucius say, man with big mouth beware of foot
38.Confucius say, man who fart in church, sit in own pew
39.Confucius say, woman who fly upside down have crack up
40.Confucius say, man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion
41.Confucius say, man under wheelbarrow playing with tool, not necessarily mechanic
42.Confucius say, house without bathroom is uncanny
43.Confucius say, foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ
44.Confucius say, man who sits on stool smells like shit
45.Confucius say, man who throws dirt is losing ground
46.Confucius say, woman who go to man's apartment for snack, get titbit
47.Confucius say, man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth
48.Confucius say, man who get kicked in testicles, left holding the bag
49.Confucius say, man who kisses girl's behind, get crack in face
50.Confucius say, girl who ride bicycle, peddle ass all over town
51.Confucius say, man with penis in peanut butter jar, ****ing nuts
52.Confucius say, man who buy drowned cat, get wet pussy
53.Confucius say, man trapped in pantry, have ass in jam
54.Confucius say, learn to masturbate - come in handy
55.Confucius say, girl who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip
56.Confucius say, girl who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge
57.Confucius say, waitress who sit on leper's lap, keep tip
58.Confucius say, man who snort coke, get bubbles up nose
59.Confucius say, cow with no legs, ground beef
60.Confucius say, two wrongs not make right, but two rights make U-turn
61.Confucius say, baby born in car with automatic transmission, grow to become shiftless bastard
62.Confucius say, finding old man in dark, not hard
63.Confucius say, man who smoke pot, choke on handle
64.Confucius say, OK for shit to happen - will decompose
65.Confucius say, man with head on railroad track, listening for train to come, get splitting headache
66.Confucius say, man who sneeze without tissue take matter into own hands
67.Confucius say, secretary become permanent fixture, when screwed on desk
68.Confucius say, man who drive like hell, bound to get there
69.Confucius say, man who sit on tack, get point
70.Confucius say, man who put cream in tart, not always baker
71.Confucius say, woman who spend much time on bedspring, may get offspring
72.Confucius say, sex on beach like American beer - ****ing near water
73.Confucius say, man who masturbate, only screwing himself
74.Confucius say, woman who dance wearing jock strap, have make believe ballroom
75.Confucius say, support bacteria - is only culture some people have
76.Confucius say, man with athletic finger, make broad jump
77.Confucius say, man who sit on upturned tack, rise above all
78.Confucius say, wash face in morning, neck at night
79.Confucius say, man who have last laugh, not get joke
80.Confucius say, man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet
81.Confucius say, man piss in wind, wind piss back
82.Confucius say, man who eat pussy, do lip service
83.Confucius say, girl who marry detective, like to kiss dick
84.Confucius say, men may have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole, women have more
85.Confucius say, woman wearing G-string, high on crack
86.Confucius say, virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick
87.Confucius say, man who pull woman's bra strap, may get bust in face
88.Confucius say, woman who pounce on dead rooster, go down on limp cock
89.Confucius say, man who fall in vat of molten glass, make spectacle of self
90.Confucius say, man who jump through screen door, strain self
91.Confucius say, man who push piano down mine shaft, likely to get A flat minor
92.Confucius say, man who put face in punchbowl, get punch in nose
93.Confucius say, woman who sink in man's arms, soon have arms in man's sink
94.Confucius say, man who put cock on stove, have hot rod
95.Confucius say, man who **** in cemetery may end up ****ing dead
96.Confucius say, man who jizz in cash register come into money
97.Confucius say, man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time
98.Confucius say, man who eat too many prunes, get good run for money
99.Confucius say, man who finger girl having period get caught red handed
100.Confucius say, man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly fingers
