BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional & said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed & rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's & put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, & then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment & then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, & according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins & be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long & hard & then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass & then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, & his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open & he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open & he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, & Muldoon went to the parish priest & asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, & there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary , Mo ther of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, & great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel & tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man & asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says..
'90!' exclaims the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor & said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' & she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious & after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself & said, 'Those little bastards!'
A married Irishman went into the confessional & said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed & rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's & put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, & then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment & then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, & according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins & be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long & hard & then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass & then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, & his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open & he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side.
A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open & he said, 'You're cute.'
The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.' She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, & Muldoon went to the parish priest & asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, & there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary , Mo ther of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, & great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel & tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man & asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says..
'90!' exclaims the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor & said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' & she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious & after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself & said, 'Those little bastards!'
