can't obtain an erection

[leggoman]

Frank can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Frank asks what the surgery is and the doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. Frank says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later the gives frank the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". Frank takes his wife out to dinner. While at dinner Frank starts feeling incredible pressure in his pants.

It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Frank says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner up my ass."

 

[leggoman]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does is look like?" the driver finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is", she said...
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying ... "Okay, you can go. I didn't realise you were a cop".

 

[leggoman]

As I get older, I notice that my priorities change .

The other day I came home and was greeted by my missus, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went down the pub.

 

[Welshboy Taffy]

nice one lol I like the first one m8

 

[Highlander]

very good, i liked all 3, more to tell in work tomorrow.

 

[leggoman]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered
over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and
I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a
goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's
because he's inside your fu-king cat."

 

[leggoman]

A guy walks into a bar and up on the wall is a sign, it reads:

Ham sandwiches £1
Ham & Cheese £ 1.50
Hand Jobs £10

Behind the bar are 3 beautifull blondes with legs up to their armpits and georgeous tittie's

He calls one over and nervously asks "excuse me miss, are you the one that gives the hand jobs?"

The bombshell replies "why yes I am handsome"

So the guy replies

"THEN WASH YOUR FOOKIN HANDS I WANT A HAM SANDWICH"

 

[leggoman]

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.

The husband says, "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."

"But I see you looking at other women," pleaded his wife, "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."

Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife, "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."

"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.

"Why not?" says the husband, "It worked on your ass!"