Thread: TOP 9 SEX JOKES(adults only please)

  1. #1
    DW Contributor Draca's Avatar
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    im closer to you then you think ;)
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    TOP 9 SEX JOKES(adults only please)

    > # 9
    > A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
    > As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
    > into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
    > her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your
    > heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She
    > replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

    > ************************************************** ******
    > # 8
    > A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
    > you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
    > responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
    > something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let >> >
    > me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6
    > shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

    > ************************************************** *******
    > #7
    > A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
    > seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange
    > brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about
    > sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
    > "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
    > It identifies that American Indians have the longest
    > average penis and Polish men have the biggest average
    > diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
    > He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

    > ************************************************** *********
    > # 6
    > One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
    > taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
    > The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
    > gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
    > fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
    > sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
    > wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have
    > a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

    > ************************************************** **********
    > # 5
    > Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
    > for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
    > to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
    > urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
    > suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
    > it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
    > vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few
    > weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
    > could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
    > "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
    > told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
    > into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I
    > did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,
    > Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
    > "Oh...she got fired too."
    ************************************************** ************
    > # 4
    > A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
    > in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
    > rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
    > doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
    > tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
    > he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
    > any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
    > this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that
    > the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
    > outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man
    > to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
    > five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
    > his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which
    > the man replies: "She choked."

    > ************************************************** **********
    > # 3
    > A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
    > puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
    > astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this
    > alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
    > gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
    > his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
    > witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
    > The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
    > bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
    > alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
    > crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
    > bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
    > head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
    > genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the
    > first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up
    > again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
    > willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
    > After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
    > woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
    > not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
    ************************************************** *************
    > # 2
    > A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
    > notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big
    > black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7
    > foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch tomato, 3 pound left ball, 3
    > pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!
    > The big black dude picks up the small white guy and
    > brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks
    > the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy
    > says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude
    > looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch tomato,
    > 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner
    > Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you
    > said 'Turn around. '"

    > ************************************************** *********
    > # 1
    > There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
    > They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
    > the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
    > we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
    > "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
    > breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
    > were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
    > ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
    > we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
    > sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
    > lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
    > today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
    > surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
    > the other is in your oatmeal||||||
    Last edited by Mick; 26th July 2013 at 10:36.

  2. #2
    Inactive User DOOBIE's Avatar
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    lol no 2 is the best

  3. #3
    VIP Member Zooropa's Avatar
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    Jul 2001
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    BRILLIANT i loved em all

  4. #4
    Childrens but still respected MA's Avatar
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    LMAO. that was great

  5. #5

    Very Good

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