Corny 1 Liner Thread
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- Start date
ATHEIST IN THE WOODS...
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him..
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him..
He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...
At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'
Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?
Am I to count you as a believer?
The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?
'Very well,' said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.
More truth than joke Miggy
So what one is offside or does that suppose what end you want to score
Neither for me, but the offside to score would be the arse endSo what one is offside or does that suppose what end you want to score
Number One Idiot
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..
Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and
crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from
his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland .
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
the Bank of Queensland . Happened in Noosa!
Number Four Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with
his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two
hours later.
Number Five Idiot so far in 2009
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him..
Number Six Idiot
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The
brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
videotape.. Perth WA .
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce..
Yep, it happened in Surfers Paradise !!!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask..'
Happened in Melbourne .
JUST AN IDIOT :
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre.
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..
Number Two Idiot
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.
Number Three Idiot
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and
crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from
his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland .
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at
the Bank of Queensland . Happened in Noosa!
Number Four Idiot
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with
his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two
hours later.
Number Five Idiot so far in 2009
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him..
Number Six Idiot
Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window. The
brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
videotape.. Perth WA .
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce..
Yep, it happened in Surfers Paradise !!!
IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask..'
Happened in Melbourne .
JUST AN IDIOT :
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.
nowuckinfurries
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