Two Sides to every story

pmoore31

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1. What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

45 lbs.



2. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

45 minutes.



3. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

Sexual Harassment.



4. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

£3.99 a minute.



5. How can you tell if your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.



6. How can you tell if your husband is dead?

The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.



7. How many men does it take to change a light bulb?

None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.



8. What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.



9. Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.



10. What is a man's view of safe sex?

A padded headboard.



11. How do men sort their laundry?

Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"



12. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.



13. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.



14. What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.



15. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?

The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen doughnuts.



16. Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?

The woman who ate the last doughnut.



17. What is the difference between a battery and a man?

A battery has a positive side.



18. A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest breasts?

The blonde, because she's 18.



19. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?

When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.



20. Do you know the punishment for bigamy?

Two mothers-in-law.



21. What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?

Divorced.



21 (a) What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Very clever.



22. Marriage is a 3-ring circus:

Engagement Ring. Wedding Ring. Suffering



23. Our last fight was my fault.

My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"



24. In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.



25. A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."



And last but not least



26. Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"

Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
 
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