Only Tommy Cooper could get away with rubbish like this...what a legend
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love -
get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception
was Brilliant.
---------------------------------------------
-----------------------
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry
growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on
it.'
---------------------------------------------
-----------------------
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green
grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
---------------------------------------------
----------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you
can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at
him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put
him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
---------------------------------------------
-----------------------
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and
H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I
picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
---------------------------------------------
----------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling
from.'
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke
says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's
your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
You know, somebody actually complimented me
on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it
said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those
places'
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day but I
couldn't find any.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2
years.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
Two blondes walk into a
building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
---------------------------------------------
-----------------------
Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy
marijuana.............press the hash key...'
---------------------------------------------
----------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I
bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week...and
pulled a mussel.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the
other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat
slob!'
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love -
get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception
was Brilliant.
---------------------------------------------
-----------------------
Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry
growing out of his head.
Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on
it.'
---------------------------------------------
-----------------------
'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green
grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
---------------------------------------------
----------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you
can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at
him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put
him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
---------------------------------------------
-----------------------
'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and
H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I
picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
---------------------------------------------
----------------------
So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling
from.'
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
So I rang up a local building firm,
I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
---------------------------------------------
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke
says to me 'Can you give
me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's
your oyster, go for it.'
---------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was
drinking battery acid, and
the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
You know, somebody actually complimented me
on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it
said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
A man walked into the doctors,
he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those
places'
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the
other day but I
couldn't find any.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2
years.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
Two blondes walk into a
building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
---------------------------------------------
-----------------------
Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy
marijuana.............press the hash key...'
---------------------------------------------
----------------------
I went to the butchers the other day and I
bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
I went to a seafood disco last week...and
pulled a mussel.
---------------------------------------------
------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the
other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat
slob!'
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