BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from a relative.
The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.
The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing.
The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrots head.
That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbors turkeys again.
The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.
The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot,
they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.
The parrot is doing fine.
'Grooms side to the left and Brides side to the right'. Until two bald guys walk in and he says,
'And you two Turkey fcukers up on the piano with me!!!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a Barber Shop on a military reservation, and a Colonel and a Sergeant are both getting haircuts.
The Colonel's barber is about done with him, and asks him if he wishes hair tonic.
The Colonel says,
"Hell no, if I get that stuff on my hair, my wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!".
Right after that, the Sergeant's barber asks him the same question.
The Sergeant replies,
"Go ahead and put some on, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like!".
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'Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life'
by Texas Bix Bender:
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.
The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees.
Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it.
As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next door neighbors turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.
The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has been doing.
The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn't stop it he's going to shave the parrots head.
That night the Parrot, overcome with desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbors turkeys again.
The next morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head.
The following morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to please the relative that gave them the parrot,
they sit the parrot on a piano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tell them where to sit in the church.
The parrot is doing fine.
'Grooms side to the left and Brides side to the right'. Until two bald guys walk in and he says,
'And you two Turkey fcukers up on the piano with me!!!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a Barber Shop on a military reservation, and a Colonel and a Sergeant are both getting haircuts.
The Colonel's barber is about done with him, and asks him if he wishes hair tonic.
The Colonel says,
"Hell no, if I get that stuff on my hair, my wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!".
Right after that, the Sergeant's barber asks him the same question.
The Sergeant replies,
"Go ahead and put some on, my wife doesn't know what a whorehouse smells like!".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Don't Squat With Yer Spurs On, A Cowboy's Guide To Life'
by Texas Bix Bender:
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.
Don't worry about bitin' off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.
If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
Never ask a man the size of his spread.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
Never smack a man who's chewin' tobacco.
It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you're out of good whiskey.
Good judgement comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Never drop your gun to hug a grizzly.
If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.
The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees.
Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it's done, eat it.
As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.
Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back.
Always take a good look at what you're about to eat. It's not so important to know what it is, but it's critical to know what it was.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
A smart ass just don't fit in a saddle.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
