lol you would think i could handle myself to read that, that ive been restrianing myself, when in the reality i dont have a nasty bone n my body, the levels of guilt involved when i have hurt someone in the past wasnt worth the hassle, and learned long ago that holding a grudge or bad feeling is very exhausting i dont care enough about most stuff but i have to say thaat without 1 wee bit of exageration that yesterday was one of the worst days of my life and i feel so much better right now just 6ish hours after i left the house.
i only during this week realised how serious the current events are, and so yesterday was the first time i had taken my mum her shopping since i realised, the levels of wrecklless ness and rudeness i witness, cause im usually half tore but i was well alert, the wreckless behavour was shocking, but its my mums health they were being wreckless with, and i let it slide mostly. but it got me into to such a state mentally that when i went with the wife to do our own shopping this morning i fully expected confrontation and to have to defend my wifes personal social area, i never felt responsible like that before because she can be a nut case, i went out with an agressive attitude and with the mindset that no one gets any lee way and i will just deal with what came about.
i realise quickly all my worries was about my mum and i felt responsiblity to my whole family to my own grandchild to protect her from this shit. i couldnt stick many days in row like that, i knew that but she will be coming to stay with us and staying indoors too. which is so much relief. i know she will have to get out at some time lol.
but my obvious other problem, the drugs, i didnt realise how wasted i was getting, its become normality, of course i knew i was taken a large amount of various drugs but i must have been so wasted not to really absorbe what was going on, i kid myself on that i had no real responsiblity anymore since our own kids couldnt wait to get out lol
i never felt such heavy responsibility as i did leaving the house earlier and never the sense of relief if do right now, it feels great and iknow am probably gonna spoil that when i have a bit of a toke here.
i need a bit of meanness about me atm though because when i do need to clear any danger i might sense from my family i need to get it done and the perp out of the road, hopefully before the perp would know there was any problem, i cant get involved in a fight lol