BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
A blonde walked into a shoe shop and saw a pair of shoes made from alligator skin that she liked. "How much for these shoes?" she asked the store manager.
"$200", he replied.
"That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?"
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blond persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes for free?!" he yelled.
"Fine I will," the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried and decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my god! This one is NOT wearing any shoes either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or loo king up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.. " "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chipcookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I"ll give you $100 if you"ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I"m supposed to promise to "love, honor and obey" and "be faithful to her forever," I"d appreciate it if you"d just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the grooms vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
"$200", he replied.
"That's too expensive! Can't you bring the price down?"
The store manager said he couldn't, and got irritated when the blond persisted.
Finally after arguing with her for awhile he said, "There's a pond with alligators behind the store! Why don't you kill an alligator and get your alligator shoes for free?!" he yelled.
"Fine I will," the blonde replied.
After an hour, the manager got a bit worried and decided to go out and check on her.
When he arrived at the pond, he saw the blonde lugging a dead alligator and flinging it on the ground next to 6 other dead ones.
Before he could ask what she was doing, she wailed "Oh my god! This one is NOT wearing any shoes either!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or loo king up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.. " "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chipcookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
"Ma'am," said the cop, "I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy."
"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," responded the Amish lady.
"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away!" instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.
"He said the reflector is broken," replied the lady.
"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" wondered Jacob.
"I'm not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake"...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:
"Look, I"ll give you $100 if you"ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I"m supposed to promise to "love, honor and obey" and "be faithful to her forever," I"d appreciate it if you"d just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the grooms vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put a $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
