BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank f**k for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved,
"I had this horrible feeling that the little bastage was going to bark!"
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THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD.
A teacher asks her class what was the fastest thing in the world.
One wee lass puts up her hand and says "a thought is the fastest thing in the world" the teacher says explain why. The wee girl says "well your sitting in class and just like that a thought jumps into yer head and then jumps out again, so a thought in the fastest thing in the world".
Very good say the teacher anyone else.
Again another wee lass says "yes miss a blink is the fastest thing in the word". "A blink” says the teacher explain why. "Well says the girl you are sitting here and suddenly you blink really quickly without thinking so a blink is the fastest thing in the world".
"Very good says the teacher anyone else tell me what is the fastest thing in the world".
Once more another little girl puts up her hand and says "Please miss electricity is the fastest thing in the world. Again the teacher asks her to explain. "Well she says you walk into a dark room and you switch on the light and immediately the room is filled with light so electricity is the fastest thing in the world".
The teacher says very good is there anybody else.
A wee boy raises his hand and says "Diarrhoea is the fastest thing in the world miss". The teacher says "Diarrhoea, explain".
The wee boys says " well the other night the brother had the Diarrhoea and before he could -- think, wink-- or switch on the bloody light the Diarrhoea was running down his leg".
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A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house there. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing £5. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless c*nts at B & Q ever bring us the f*cking plasterboard.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached; I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank f**k for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved,
"I had this horrible feeling that the little bastage was going to bark!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE FASTEST THING IN THE WORLD.
A teacher asks her class what was the fastest thing in the world.
One wee lass puts up her hand and says "a thought is the fastest thing in the world" the teacher says explain why. The wee girl says "well your sitting in class and just like that a thought jumps into yer head and then jumps out again, so a thought in the fastest thing in the world".
Very good say the teacher anyone else.
Again another wee lass says "yes miss a blink is the fastest thing in the word". "A blink” says the teacher explain why. "Well says the girl you are sitting here and suddenly you blink really quickly without thinking so a blink is the fastest thing in the world".
"Very good says the teacher anyone else tell me what is the fastest thing in the world".
Once more another little girl puts up her hand and says "Please miss electricity is the fastest thing in the world. Again the teacher asks her to explain. "Well she says you walk into a dark room and you switch on the light and immediately the room is filled with light so electricity is the fastest thing in the world".
The teacher says very good is there anybody else.
A wee boy raises his hand and says "Diarrhoea is the fastest thing in the world miss". The teacher says "Diarrhoea, explain".
The wee boys says " well the other night the brother had the Diarrhoea and before he could -- think, wink-- or switch on the bloody light the Diarrhoea was running down his leg".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot.
One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house there. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them rough diamond types, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing £5. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the money she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When they got to the bank the clerk was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own wage packet at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."
"My goodness gracious," said the clerk, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will if those useless c*nts at B & Q ever bring us the f*cking plasterboard.
