Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on theline so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to theMother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tellyou which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press;Nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before theBeep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-termmemory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up... Our operators are too busyto talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, liedown and cry. You won't be hot and crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
I contacted YOU, so my job is done.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want; stay on theline so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to theMother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tellyou which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press;Nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before theBeep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-termmemory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up... Our operators are too busyto talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, liedown and cry. You won't be hot and crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons; you'll just mess it up.
This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.
I contacted YOU, so my job is done.
