BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
A man arrives at the Pearly Gates,
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asks.
"Well I can think of one thing," the man offers.
"On a trip to the black hills of South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers threatening a young woman"
I told them to leave her alone but they wouldn’t listen.
So I walked up to the biggest, most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped his nose ring out and threw it on the ground.
"Now back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" I screamed
"When did this happen?" St Peter asks.
"Couple of minutes ago"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said,
"Well, last week I sat out herewith no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This was your Grandma's idea!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet’s office.
One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"
The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old.
I don't see or hear very well and I've been having accidents in the house.
My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.
"The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately.
I've been especially high-strung.
I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids.
Nobody knows why this has been happening.
My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.
"The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The Great Dane responds:
"My owner is this beautiful runway model.
Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pickup something she dropped.
She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing.
I couldn't help myself.
"The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"
"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises their hand.
The teacher says "See its long neck? What animal has a long
neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks, "Is it a giraffe?"
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up their hands.
"See the stripes on this animal?
What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says,
"It’s a zebra." "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal.
What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint,
It’s something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard!"
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St Peter asks.
"Well I can think of one thing," the man offers.
"On a trip to the black hills of South Dakota I came upon a gang of bikers threatening a young woman"
I told them to leave her alone but they wouldn’t listen.
So I walked up to the biggest, most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped his nose ring out and threw it on the ground.
"Now back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you" I screamed
"When did this happen?" St Peter asks.
"Couple of minutes ago"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
"Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him.
"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.
The old man slyly looked at him and said,
"Well, last week I sat out herewith no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.
This was your Grandma's idea!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vet’s office.
One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a Great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"
The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old.
I don't see or hear very well and I've been having accidents in the house.
My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep.
"The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately.
I've been especially high-strung.
I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids.
Nobody knows why this has been happening.
My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep.
"The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The Great Dane responds:
"My owner is this beautiful runway model.
Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pickup something she dropped.
She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing.
I couldn't help myself.
"The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"
"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises their hand.
The teacher says "See its long neck? What animal has a long
neck?"
Sally holds up her hand and asks, "Is it a giraffe?"
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up their hands.
"See the stripes on this animal?
What animal has stripes?"
Billy holds up his hand and says,
"It’s a zebra." "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
"See the big antlers on this animal.
What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses.
"Let me give you another hint,
It’s something your mother calls your father."
Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it’s a horny bastard!"
