Dear Alcohol...A Letter to My Friend


Inactive User
Jun 28, 2005
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Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours.
My friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
Post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even around in the
holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering about
your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls:

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the
suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place
after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-boyfriends/girlfriends
whenI know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day,
letalone all hours of the night?

2. Eating:

Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my
speciality, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce,
along with a big Italian hoagie and some stale chips (washed down with
chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese
curls and chilli cheese fries) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but
I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness:

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to
improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing
me to fall down, it's completely unnecessary. The black and blue marks
that appear on my body mysteriously the next day is beyond me.
Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures:

This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last
point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties,
boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or
bras. Also, what with you making me take pictures with people I clearly
don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my best friends when
a flash is presented?

5. Beer Goggles:

If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not.
Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually
know that person. The phrase 'let's F***' is illegal ! from now on.
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from becoming a
statement, especially in public.
Please stop me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth,
acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they so appealing
to me while I'm with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next
morning after you have worn off??

6. Furthermore:

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous now. I know
a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in
order, but the 3 p.m hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.
My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are
taken water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the
hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.
C'mon now, it's only Fair - you do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker
of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review
my grievances above and address them immediately.
I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour)
on your possible solutions and hopefully we can continue this fruitful

Thank you from your biggest fan