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Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

Discussion in 'Fun & Laughter Room' started by Mick, Jul 26, 2013.

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  1. Mick

    Mick Administrator Staff Member Administrator Premium Member

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    I was looking at some of our Adult Jokes as they are very popular to guests and thought it would be fun to run a small competition, and maybe invite guests to join and post their funny adult / sex jokes.

    Register here ---> Register

    So each month the best adult sex joke posted in this thread will win £10, The VIP Members will decide in the VIP room who wins!

    This Competition is open to EVERYONE!

    RePosts Jokes will not count! the vote starts on the 31 of each month!
    4 Jokes per Month, Per user!

    Here is one Adult Joke (repost sorry) I found in an old thread that I thought was funny :)

    ------------------------------
    A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch tomato, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!

    The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch tomato, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.

    ------------------------------


    WINNERS!!

    July 2013 - @die5el - https://www.digitalworldz.co.uk/index.php?threads/373390/#post2327412

    Good Luck.
    Mick
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2017
    die5el likes this.
  2. trevortron

    trevortron VIP Member VIP Member

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    Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.

    It was a disaster!

    Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
     
  3. trevortron

    trevortron VIP Member VIP Member

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    A woman is walking down the street and sees a sign in the pet shop window reading, "FANNY LICKING FROG £25". Curious, the woman proceeds inside and says to the shop keeper, "I'd like to see the fanny licking frog please." To which the shop keeper replies........ "Oui Madam!"
     
  4. trevortron

    trevortron VIP Member VIP Member

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    Kids know far too much these days. Today in the doctors waiting room, a little girl had her Barbie and Ken dolls imitating the doggy position. I told her, " If you keep doing that, you'll end up with lots of little baby dolls." She replied, "I don't think so dickhead, he's doing it up her arse!"
     
  5. roachieuk

    roachieuk VIP Member VIP Member

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    Boy: "Wanna hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
    Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."
     
  6. bigbadblue05

    bigbadblue05 Member

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    Paddy cannot make his wife cum, so he goes to the doctor for some advice.
    He goes to the doctor and says, "Look, I just can't bring my wife to orgasm in bed, it's a real problem."
    The doctor says, "Well, is it too warm?"
    "Yes, it's absolutely sweltering."
    "Then get some A.C."
    "I can't afford air conditioning, I'm too poor."
    "Well, Paddy, do you have a good mate?"
    "Yeah, I've got a mate named Mick."
    "Well, ask your mate Mick to stand over you and the Mrs. with a towel, wafting you both to cool you down, that might help."
    So, Paddy asks Mick for this favor, who then agrees to help him. That night, Paddy is in bed with his wife, pounding away with Mick fanning them with the towel, but it's doing nothing for her.
    Paddy says, "Well this isn't working, let's swap."
    So Paddy takes the towel and starts wafting Mick, who is now shagging Paddy's Mrs. Not long after, Paddy's wife goes "Oooh... oh that's it, I'm about to cum, I'm going to cum!"
    Paddy shouts triumphantly, "You see, Mick?! That's how you waft a ****ing towel!"
     
    Last edited: Jul 26, 2013
  7. Mick

    Mick Administrator Staff Member Administrator Premium Member

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    4 jokes per month per User :)

    5 days left for the first winner.

    Regards
    Mick
     
  8. thomasjcat

    thomasjcat VIP Member VIP Member Premium Member

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    A little boy walks into his parents’ room to see his mother on top of his father bouncing up and down. The mother sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She quickly dresses and goes to find him and, when the son sees his mother and asks, “What were you and Dad doing?”

    The mother replies, Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.

    You’re wasting your time, said the boy.

    Why is that, asked his Mother, puzzled.

    Well, each time you go out shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up again.
     
  9. copex

    copex Member

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    [h=3]So, a boy walks into a baker's shop and asks for a loaf of bread. The man says "do you want white or brown?" The boy says "oh, I don't mind, I've got my bike outside."[/h]
     
  10. miggy

    miggy VIP Member VIP Member

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    One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
     
  11. miggy

    miggy VIP Member VIP Member

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    A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."
     
  12. stevejay

    stevejay Inactive User

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    A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

    Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
    Hand Job: £10.00

    He checks his wallet then shouts over to one of the attractive blondes serving drinks

    "Yes?" "can I help you?"

    "Yep, I was wondering," the bloke says , "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

    "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

    , "Well, then, wash your fooking hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"
     
  13. gez

    gez VIP Member VIP Member Premium Member

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    the little girl who's grandad always took her to school in his car. so one day grandad had a hospital appointment so grandma took her in her car,
    that night at the tea table mum said "so nicola how was it going to school in grandmas car"
    the little girl said "it was ok but a bit boring, today we never saw any bastard drivers,stupid wankers, ****ing idiot bmw drivers and not one prick on a bike ,although grandma did tut at the crossing lady
     
  14. bigbadblue05

    bigbadblue05 Member

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    A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
    Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
    The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
    "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
    Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
     
  15. stevejay

    stevejay Inactive User

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    Bloke goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

    “Doc, I think my dick is just too small,”

    The doctor says to him what do you drink mate ?

    Well, Budweiser normally,” he replies

    “Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, Budweiser shrinks things, you should try drinking Guinness.

    That makes things grow.”

    Two months later the bloke returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

    He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

    “I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doctor.

    “ no Doc,” replies the man, “but I’ve got the wife on Budweiser”
     
  16. speedy1234

    speedy1234 VIP Member VIP Member

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    Statistics say 20% of us live next door to a paedophile.
    Not me,
    I live next door to a stunning 15 year old with a tight arse and
    cracking little tits!
     
  17. Magnu420

    Magnu420 VIP Member VIP Member

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    There once was an American Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name
    was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls
    me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning,Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died
    from exhaustion.
    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years
    went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you,Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took he deep into the forest, then he made love to
    her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

    Why?






    OH, come on... take a guess!






    Think about it






    (You're going to love this……)










    You can't kill two birds with one stone!!
     
  18. craigneuk

    craigneuk Premium Member Premium Member

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    As i lay in bed, i felt a hand slowly reach down into my boxer shorts and strart to play with my balls and stroke my cock.

    It was nice but i was'nt in the mood.

    " Not tonight." I whispered," i'm tired "

    "It doesn't work like that in here! " said my cell mate !
     
  19. craigneuk

    craigneuk Premium Member Premium Member

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    I rang my favourite sexline today and soon had my cock out, tugging away,


    when a policeman said:


    "Excuse me sir, you need to stop that now."


    "**** off," I replied,



    "you said I was allowed one phone call, I intend to enjoy it."
     
  20. snapman

    snapman Moderator Staff Member Moderator

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    An oldie... but here goes....


    Little Billy walks into the bathroom to find his mum taking a bath.

    "Mum!!! What's that???", he says, pointing to his mothers nether regions.

    In a panic, his mother replies, "It's where Daddy hit me with an axe!"

    "What.... right in the c*nt"???", he replies! :)
     
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