Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

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A wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing the usual breakfast for her husband of sof-boiled eggs and toast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in; as he walked in, almost awake, she turned to him and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!!"

His eyes lit up and he thought, he's either still dreaming or this was going to be his lucky day! Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all on the kitchen table! Afterwards, she said "thanks", and returned to the stove. Happy but a bit puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?" His wife explained, "The egg timer's broken!"
 
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Arrrrgh. Just woke up from a horrible dream
I dreamed I was getting a blow job off the blonde one in Abba

I woke up when his beard started tickling my bollocks!
 
This apparently got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney .

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."


DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.

You listen to this."
[ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch tones.....ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of youwill be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."


DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack , he could not stop laughing.
Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation , for minor traffic collisions.
 
G'day mate, Aussie Helpline...What's the problem cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp,
and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer mate!"

" Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye!
 
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"
 
Louis and Joyce were making passionate love in Louis's mini-van when suddenly Joyce, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out, "Oh fat boy, whip me, whip me!" Louis, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips at hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Joyce until they both collapse in ecstacy.

About a week later, Joyce notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit, so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one looks at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Joyce, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Louis (let alone that she allowed the kinky s*d to whip her) eventually admits that, yes, she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years of doctoring, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
 
Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 
The other night, my Mrs asked how many women I'd slept with.

I told her "Only you. All the others kept me awake shaggin all night !

" My missus packed my bags and as I walked out of the front door she screamed...

"I wish you a slow and painful death you bastard!"


"Oh" I replied, "so you want me to stay now!"
 
Little Jim and Kevin was talking to a couple of older mates which told them that the single woman living in the house down by the corner would **** anyone for money.

Being curious about this "****ing" business they decided to try it out so they robbed Jims piggy bank and brought £1 and went down to the corner. They knocked the door and the woman opened the door, and Jim said "I've heard you would **** for money" and held out his hand with the £1. They both got slapped by the woman who then shut the door.

Kevin said to Jim "Well, it was lucky we only had £1 or she might have ****ed us both to death"
 
A woman put an add in the paper saying that she needs a man who can satisfy her in bed, won’t beat her, and won’t run from her. She gets thousands and thousands of replies and can’t find what she is looking for. So she is about to give up when one day the door bell rings. She opens the door and there is a man sitting in a wheel chair with no arms or legs. She says," Can I help you?" He says," I am here about your ad." She says," Forgive me but I don’t see how you can help me." He says, " Well number one I don’t have any arms so I can’t beat you. And number two I don’t have any legs so I can’t run from you." She cuts in and says," Well how do you expect to help me with the third thing?" He says, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"
 
I was talking to a girl in the pub last night and I said to her " Hi, My name is Paul but everybody calls me Dick". She looked a bit confused and asked " How do you get dick from Paul?". I said " You have to ask nicely".
 
@craigneuk
God knows what you were looking for when you found that lol.
please dont answer either, to bloody frightening to know
 
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@craigneuk
God knows what you were looking for when you found that lol.
please dont answer either, to bloody frightening to know

https://www.digitalworldz.co.uk/index.php?threads/376957/#post2336098


Re: Planetary gearbox- (electric gates) what grease to use?

Silicone lubricants should be compatable for these plastic cogs, but apparently the best types of oil for plastic cogs are Synthetic Hydrocarbon oils (PAO - Polyalphaolefins) which I am fairly certain is the type of lubrication sold by Durex !!!

the answer to that lol
 
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FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course..

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey
 
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.

One said, "think I enjoy the "rodeo" position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What
is it ?"

"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her
from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands
and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sisters' "

"Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
 
There was an old tramp called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
She smelled like shit and was missing a tit
But think of the money he saved.
 
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