Thread: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

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  1. #21
    VIP Member seanicca's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    Ironic how the biggest wanker in the UK wants to block internet porn.

    Sent from my HTC One using Tapatalk 4 Beta

  2. #22
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    Who is the biggest dick in town?

    A son of a bitch!!

  3. #23
    DW Senior Member die5el's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

    When the black male reached a certain age, a string was tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.

    After a while, the weight stretched the penis to 24 inches

    Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,

    “How about we try the African ‘string-and-weight’ procedure?”

    The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.

    A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
    ”Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.

    ”Wow” she said, “You mean it’s grown to 12 inches?”

    “No,” he said,

    ”It’s turned black.”

  4. #24
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    bloke comes home from work & hears a noise upstairs, he goes up to find his partner packing a case
    "whats going on " he says
    partner says " im leaving you "
    he says "why"
    partner says " because i hear you are a Peadophile, that's fooking why"
    bloke says " Peadophile? that's a big word for a 12 year old "

  5. #25
    VIP Member sticky's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"

    "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.


    "Well, than your not big enough"

    Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.

    "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.


    "Well, than your not big enough"

    Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"

    Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"

    Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."

    Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go **** yourself, these are my cookies"

  6. #26
    DW Honored Member knight's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    I've been sacked from my job as a bingo caller...
    apparently, 'a meal for two with a hairy view' is not the way to call number 69!

  7. #27
    Admin MH's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    LA drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed
    him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
    After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove
    he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
    As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and
    sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
    He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying,
    "Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."

  8. #28
    DW Respected Member craigneuk's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

    The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid

    eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass

    Barely covered d by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could

    see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on

    After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I

    taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close

    to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She

    asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner
    thigh, rubbing it up and down.

    'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel
    good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

    'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked
    to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front
    of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

    I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would
    get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the
    front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

    'How do you feel now,' she purred.

    'OK' I replied

    Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt
    THIS good before!'

    Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that
    game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the
    match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field,
    where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match."

    "Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed,
    pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her
    skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet !

    She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?'

    'I certainly have,' I answered,

    'I missed the kick.'

  9. #29

    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    Just got on the train this morning, and sat in front of a gorgeous Oriental girl. She wore a tight top and a push up bra making her tits almost spill out her top, but she also had the shortest skirt on ever, showing me that she obviously had no knickers on!

    I said to myself, "Please don't get a hard-on!".
    But she did!

  10. #30
    VIP Member miggy's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.

    The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”

    Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”

    The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

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