Thread: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

     
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  1. #11
    VIP Member miggy's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

  2. #12
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

    Cheese Sandwich: £1.50
    Hand Job: £10.00

    He checks his wallet then shouts over to one of the attractive blondes serving drinks

    "Yes?" "can I help you?"

    "Yep, I was wondering," the bloke says , "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

    "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

    , "Well, then, wash your fooking hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

  3. #13
    VIP Member gez's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    the little girl who's grandad always took her to school in his car. so one day grandad had a hospital appointment so grandma took her in her car,
    that night at the tea table mum said "so nicola how was it going to school in grandmas car"
    the little girl said "it was ok but a bit boring, today we never saw any bastard drivers,stupid wankers, ****ing idiot bmw drivers and not one prick on a bike ,although grandma did tut at the crossing lady

  4. #14
    DW Honored Member bigbadblue05's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
    Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
    The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
    "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.
    Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    Bloke goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

    “Doc, I think my dick is just too small,”

    The doctor says to him what do you drink mate ?

    Well, Budweiser normally,” he replies

    “Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, Budweiser shrinks things, you should try drinking Guinness.

    That makes things grow.”

    Two months later the bloke returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face.

    He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

    “I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the doctor.

    “ no Doc,” replies the man, “but I’ve got the wife on Budweiser”

  6. #16
    VIP Member speedy1234's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    Statistics say 20% of us live next door to a paedophile.
    Not me,
    I live next door to a stunning 15 year old with a tight arse and
    cracking little tits!

  7. #17
    VIP Member Magnu420's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    There once was an American Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name
    was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls
    me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning,Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died
    from exhaustion.
    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years
    went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you,Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took he deep into the forest, then he made love to
    her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

    Why?






    OH, come on... take a guess!






    Think about it






    (You're going to love this……)










    You can't kill two birds with one stone!!

  8. #18
    DW Respected Member craigneuk's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    As i lay in bed, i felt a hand slowly reach down into my boxer shorts and strart to play with my balls and stroke my cock.

    It was nice but i was'nt in the mood.

    " Not tonight." I whispered," i'm tired "

    "It doesn't work like that in here! " said my cell mate !

  9. #19
    DW Respected Member craigneuk's Avatar
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    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)

    I rang my favourite sexline today and soon had my cock out, tugging away,


    when a policeman said:


    "Excuse me sir, you need to stop that now."


    "**** off," I replied,



    "you said I was allowed one phone call, I intend to enjoy it."

  10. #20

    Re: Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)


    An oldie... but here goes....


    Little Billy walks into the bathroom to find his mum taking a bath.

    "Mum!!! What's that???", he says, pointing to his mothers nether regions.

    In a panic, his mother replies, "It's where Daddy hit me with an axe!"

    "What.... right in the c*nt"???", he replies!

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