Best Adult / Sex Jokes - Funny Sexy Joke COMPETITION (Adults Only)
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vvvvvicious
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Who is the biggest dick in town?
A son of a bitch!!
A son of a bitch!!
die5el
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An elderly couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reached a certain age, a string was tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretched the penis to 24 inches
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
“How about we try the African ‘string-and-weight’ procedure?”
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
”Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.
”Wow” she said, “You mean it’s grown to 12 inches?”
“No,” he said,
”It’s turned black.”
When the black male reached a certain age, a string was tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight.
After a while, the weight stretched the penis to 24 inches
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said,
“How about we try the African ‘string-and-weight’ procedure?”
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our little tribal experiment coming along?”
”Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,” he replied.
”Wow” she said, “You mean it’s grown to 12 inches?”
“No,” he said,
”It’s turned black.”
stevejay
Inactive User
bloke comes home from work & hears a noise upstairs, he goes up to find his partner packing a case
"whats going on " he says
partner says " im leaving you "
he says "why"
partner says " because i hear you are a Peadophile, that's fooking why"
bloke says " Peadophile? that's a big word for a 12 year old "
"whats going on " he says
partner says " im leaving you "
he says "why"
partner says " because i hear you are a Peadophile, that's fooking why"
bloke says " Peadophile? that's a big word for a 12 year old "
Little Johnny and his grandfather have gone fishing. After a while grandpa gets thirsty and opens up his cooler for some beer. Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I have some beer too?"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"
Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."
Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go **** yourself, these are my cookies"
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked back.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Grandpa then takes out a cigarette and lights up. Little Johnny sees this and asks for a cigarette.
"Can you stick your penis in your asshole?" grandpa asked again.
"No"
"Well, than your not big enough"
Little Johnny gets upset and pulls out some cookies. His grandfather says, "Hey, those cookies look good, can I have some?"
Little Johnny asks, "Can you stick your penis in your asshole?"
Grandpa looks at Johnny and senses his trick so he says, "Well of course I can, I'm big enough."
Little Johnny then says, "Well, then go **** yourself, these are my cookies"
knight
DW Member ++
I've been sacked from my job as a bingo caller...
apparently, 'a meal for two with a hairy view' is not the way to call number 69!
apparently, 'a meal for two with a hairy view' is not the way to call number 69!
LA drunk staggers into a bar demanding a beer. The bartender informed
him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove
he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and
sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying,
"Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."
him that he was not allowed to serve alcohol to drunken patrons.
After a few harsh words, the bartender suggested to the drunk to prove
he wasn't drunk by doing twenty push-ups on the floor.
As he was doing the push-ups, another drunk staggers into the bar and
sees this guy on the floor doing push-ups.
He looks at him for a minute and then kicks him in the ribs saying,
"Fella, I think your girl friend has gone home."
craigneuk
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The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid
eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass
figure.
Barely covered d by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could
see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on
show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I
taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close
to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She
asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner
thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel
good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked
to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front
of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would
get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the
front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt
THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that
game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the
match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field,
where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match."
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed,
pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her
skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?'
'I certainly have,' I answered,
'I missed the kick.'
The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid
eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass
figure.
Barely covered d by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could
see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on
show.
After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I
taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close
to me and sat down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She
asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner
thigh, rubbing it up and down.
'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel
good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'
'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked
to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front
of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'
I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would
get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the
front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.
'How do you feel now,' she purred.
'OK' I replied
Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt
THIS good before!'
Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that
game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the
match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field,
where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match."
"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed,
pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her
skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet !
She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c*nt?'
'I certainly have,' I answered,
'I missed the kick.'
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Just got on the train this morning, and sat in front of a gorgeous Oriental girl. She wore a tight top and a push up bra making her tits almost spill out her top, but she also had the shortest skirt on ever, showing me that she obviously had no knickers on!
I said to myself, "Please don't get a hard-on!".
.
.
.
.
.
But she did!
I said to myself, "Please don't get a hard-on!".
.
.
.
.
.
But she did!
Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.”
Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue. If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”
roachieuk
Elite Member
Why do women fart after they take a piss?
Because they can't shake it, so they blow dry it.
Because they can't shake it, so they blow dry it.
uke:
Ann summers are now selling a gel u rub on the vagina that is alcoholic. So when u go down to lick her its like having a bevvy as well ! However anti-drink campaigners are trying to ban the 'beer gel' fearing it might lead to 24 hr minge drinking!
Sent from my HTC One using Tapatalk 4
Sent from my HTC One using Tapatalk 4
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Gives a different meaning to looking for a new watering hole !
By the way I'm just nipping out for a drink down the local pubic house.
A teacher ask little Johnny "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny replies "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the best clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Monaco, holidays in Hawaii, an unlimited credit card and shag her 3 times a day."
The teacher is shocked and not knowing quite what to say, decides to ignores Johnny and ask Susie "What she wants to be?"
Susie replies "I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"
Little Johnny replies "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the best clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Monaco, holidays in Hawaii, an unlimited credit card and shag her 3 times a day."
The teacher is shocked and not knowing quite what to say, decides to ignores Johnny and ask Susie "What she wants to be?"
Susie replies "I wanna be Johnny's bitch!"
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