BRIAN1956
DW Joke King
One day, at a New York Restaurant, a man suddenly called out,
"My son's choking!
He swallowed a quarter!
Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.
He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried.
"Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KITCHEN WISDOM?
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious!
No husband has ever been shot while doing dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Help keep the kitchen clean-eat out!
Housework done properly, can kill you.
Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast - dry
8 oz skim milk
Lunch
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream
Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars
Late Evening News
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer
Rules For This Diet
If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
Special Note: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other.
Remember: STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
"My son's choking!
He swallowed a quarter!
Help! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing.
He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried.
"Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
KITCHEN WISDOM?
A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious!
No husband has ever been shot while doing dishes.
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Help keep the kitchen clean-eat out!
Housework done properly, can kill you.
Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
My next house will have no kitchen---just vending machines.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.
Breakfast
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast - dry
8 oz skim milk
Lunch
4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie
Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 pints of Rocky Road ice cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce nuts, cherries, whipped cream
Dinner
2 loaves garlic bread with cheese large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
4 cans or 1 large pitcher of beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers candy bars
Late Evening News
Entire frozen cheesecake eaten directly from freezer
Rules For This Diet
If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat more than they do.
Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. Example: hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee cheesecake.
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
Example: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
Cookie pieces contain no calories, because of the process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
If you are in the process of preparing something, foods licked off knives and spoons have no calories.
Foods of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples: green salad and Key Lime pie, mushrooms and white chocolate.
If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count.
If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off.
Food eaten at Christmas parties has no calories, courtesy of Santa.
Special Note: Chocolate is a universal colour and may be substituted for any other.
Remember: STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
