TOP 9 SEX JOKES(adults only please)

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TOP 9 SEX JOKES
>
> # 9
> A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
> As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
> into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
> her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your
> heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She
> replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

>
> ********************************************************
> # 8
> A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get
> you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,"
> responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
> something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let >> >
> me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6
> shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
>

> *********************************************************
> #7
> A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
> seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange
> brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about
> sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
> "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
> It identifies that American Indians have the longest
> average penis and Polish men have the biggest average
> diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
> He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

>
> ***********************************************************
> # 6
> One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
> taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
> The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
> gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
> fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to
> sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
> wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have
> a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
>

> ************************************************************
> # 5
> Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
> for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
> to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an
> urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
> suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about
> it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He
> vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few
> weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife
> could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
> "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I
> told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis
> into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I
> did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No,
> Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
> "Oh...she got fired too."
>
>
**************************************************************
> # 4
> A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been
> in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to
> rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On
> doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and
> tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests
> he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is
> any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and
> this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that
> the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait
>
> outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man
> to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about
> five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor
> his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which
> the man replies: "She choked."
>

> ************************************************************
> # 3
> A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He
> puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the
> astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this
> alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the
> gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open
> his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
> witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
> The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the
> bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the
> alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the
> crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
> bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its
> head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his
> genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the
> first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up
> again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's
> willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd.
> After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
> woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise
> not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".
>
>
***************************************************************
> # 2
> A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he
> notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big
> black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7
> foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch tomato, 3 pound left ball, 3
> pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!!
> The big black dude picks up the small white guy and
> brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks
> the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy
> says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude
> looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch tomato,
> 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner
> Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you
> said 'Turn around. '"
>

> ***********************************************************
> # 1
> There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
> They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
> the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
> we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
> "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
> breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We
> were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years
> ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should
> we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and
> sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old
> lady breathlessly replied,"My nipples are as hot for you
> today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be
> surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and
> the other is in your oatmeal||||||
 
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LMAO. that was great
 
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