You have to hand it to Lesbians, they make some great films.

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My mate's a Welsh necrophiliac.

I know he's a necrophiliac cos I caught him shagging my jumper.

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Why don't women have any brains?

Because they don't have penises to keep them in.

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My girlfriend pulled up a chair earlier and said "we need to talk about our future".

I said "yeah, it's gonna be ****ing mental - we'll have flying cars, shiny silver suits, holidays on the moon!"


I'm now single.

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fcuk off, you won't bring it back."

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A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they're bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fcuking appendix out!"